"God Versus...": A Comic

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I just made this, and as usual, I’m posting it straight from my weirdo brain to your weirdo eyes.  I hope you like it, and here’s where you come in: do you want to see the conversation with the shark continue, or would you like to suggest a different one of God’s creations?  You can always vote to bring back the shark later if you like.  Vote in the comments, and I’ll choose my favorite response and craft a new comic in the same vein.

Yes, I’m an atheist, but it doesn’t mean I don’t like God as a fictional character.  No, I don’t know how sharks order pizza.

Kid-ese

The other day, we were at Jill’s brother’s house, with the Kid.  We sat in the front room talking with the adults, while the Kid was messing around in the kitchen with the children.

At one point, Jill became concerned with what was going on.  “What are you doing in there?” she asked.

The answer: “Uh…making water.”

He meant that he was pouring himself a glass of water, but I immediately said to Jill: “I think your son is urinating in the kitchen.”

Omni-Horoscope

“Today, you will wonder if if would be better for yourself and everybody else if a runaway train would just barrel through the living room, leaving a red, pulpy stain on the carpet that used to be you, because at least then you wouldn’t have to go to fucking work.”

——

Just go ahead and print that out and tape it to your fridge, because it will apply EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

I Just Had a Weird, Creepy, Stalker Dream...

…about somebody that I know very well online.  Specifically, it was about her apartment.

That I was walking around in.

While she wasn’t there.

And I was nude.

I woke up while I was deciding whether or not to masturbate with something silky belonging to her.

I am rarely disturbed my my own imagination or subconscious, but I really have to hand it to my dream-weaver tonight.  I’m usually in a rush to tell people about the dreams I have about them.  I think I’ll just keep this one to myself.

Of course, every woman reading this now thinks it was about her.  YOU ARE WRONG (unless you are this particular woman).

Anime Is for Children and Retarded Adults

I like a lot of things that Japanese culture has gifted us with.

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Godzilla…

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Guitar Wolf…

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Ninjas…

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Semen Art.

I love their culture, design philosophy, food, and their habit of putting hidden cameras in public toilets.

But I cannot abide anime, and its printed cousin, manga.  I have even seen the “good” movies by the likes of Miyazaki, and I really have a hard time with the entire look and feel of anime.  Which is fine.  I don’t like 70’s era Hanna-Barbera animation, either.  I don’t like the way anime looks, I don’t like the way it sounds, I don’t like the stories or themes it explores.

Lately, Jill’s kid has been getting way into anime and manga, to the point where he’s trying to learn how to draw the stuff and watches it any spare chance he gets via Netflix instant download.  I tease him about it, because he’ll watch anything, be it Robotech or some cat-girl bullshit called Tokyo Mew-Mew.  He doesn’t discern between the Japanese versions of G.I. Joe and My Little Pony.

Okay, whatever.  He’s a kid.  He gets SUPER offended when we make fun of this crap he enjoys watching, and he says how he doesn’t like the stuff that we like, and on and on.  He’s a kid.  I didn’t watch this crap at 14, but if he wants to, fine.  (Although I really must take offense to his charge that I listen to “rap” all the time.  I really don’t.)

The thing that scares me is that this trend is going to linger, and he’ll turn into one of these overweight 35-year old anime watchers, and that won’t be good news for anybody.  Just about the only thing he enjoys watching lately is animation (he’s watching Futurama right now as I type), and it worries me that he seems to have no patience for anything filmed with living, breathing adults.  Pity any girlfriend he manages to land in the future.

Anyway, yeah, anime sucks.  Manga sucks.  You will never convince me otherwise.  No, not even with anime porn.

New Reality Show Idea

THE KITCHEN.

Slogan: “Can you stand the heat…in THE KITCHEN?”

Premise: A group of ten chef couples attempt to cook and clean up in a sweltering kitchen where the heat and humidity are both cranked up to intolerable levels.

Location: My actual kitchen.

Prize: The winner gets to remain conscious.

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SST

Hey, look: you have your definition of sexy and I have mine.  Besides, I just earned back the two followers I lost over the cirlce-jerking shemales, and it’s time to challenge them a little bit.  This is what I do.