Life Is Hard

Last night, I got a text from my roommie informing me that my dog had eaten the entire loaf of bread I bought yesterday and foolishly left on the kitchen counter. That means that this morning, rather than just waking up and making the grilled cheese sandwich I was planning on eating for breakfast, I have to actually take a shower, dress, walk to the store, buy a new loaf of fucking bread, walk back, and then make myself a grilled cheese sandwich, all while shooting Stella several hurt and angry looks.

I just wanted a goddamn grilled cheese sandwich this morning, dog! That's all I was trying to accomplish, you ruiner of everything good!

Times like this, I just want to sell her to the first really hungry-looking Asian family I see.

If You...

Comic2-1897

...don't read Dinosaur Comics, well...I'm not sure how you've made it this far in life being such a lousy person.  There, I said it.  This was a particularly good recent one. It's this good or better every damn day. Quite a few of my recent, sadly defunct, comics projects were inspired by this daily dose of the absurd.

Read, and if you complain about how there's "too many words", I will personally come to your house and eat your face.

Is EVERYBODY on Tumblr a Pervert...

...or just the people I've picked to follow? I'm not one to judge, after all: I love naked girls and enjoy watching them doing many, many private and explicit things.

But I have other interests, too, and to be honest, I'm getting a little sick of the peek-a-boo photo memes and the sharing of sexual secrets and the whole "drunk college girls at the bar" atmosphere.

I like to flirt, and I like being flirted with; I like being dirty and I like dirty girls. But...just...fucking enough already. I get it: you all want to fuck each other. Please just do it and get it over with or find another way to interact with each other in public.

You're all boring the shit out of me.

(P.S. The ask box is still open for smut. That's where it belongs, after all.)

New Vonnegut Pages to Soak up Your Semen

Vonnegut

If you haven't heard, there is a book of unpublished Kurt Vonnegut short stories out, and holy shit your pretentious cousin who can't hold down a real job just shit his pants so hard that the report could literally be heard blocks away. I first became aware of Kurt Vonnegut when my unbelievable douchebag of a half-brother loaned me Welcome to the Monkeyhouse, a short-story collection, back when we were still talking (he was in college, I believe).

I never finished it, because the stories just didn't do a thing for me. They were all obviously well-written by somebody who knew what he was doing, but in the end they seemed rather pointless and a waste of time.

Later, after reading about Vonnegut even more, and absorbing the heaps and heaps of literary bukkake flung his way, I decided to give him another shot. I read Hocus Pocus and Slaughterhouse Five. Nope. I didn't like those, either. Vonnegut could obviously write like a motherfucker. However, his stories were constantly hamstrung by his own peculiarities, fetishes and obsessions. What saddens me the most about Kurt Vonnegut is that I genuinely like his writing; his turn of phrase; his use of language. I just hate his stories, and I'm not going to pretend that I like them just because an entire generation of hippies has raised him up to the level of a prophet.

So now we have this new collection of stories, ones that either the man couldn't get published or didn't even try to. These were the stories that were deemed, either by Vonnegut himself or by numerous professional magazine editors, to be unpublishable.

Why would anybody in their right mind want to read this shit? I've read unpublished fiction before, and you know what it all overwhelmingly has in common? It's fucking terrible, that's what.

If you're a fan, go ahead and worship at this new altar: I hope you find it worth your time. However, if you truly love the man's work, isn't he worth the respect of not grave-digging through the shit he might not have ever wanted anybody to see?

Mintsanity

Thin_mint

This is a pic of the three boxes of Girl Scout Thin Mint cookies my roommate has in her freezer. As some of you may know, it's ordering season again, or at least it's very close. Odds are, she will order more Thin Mints without eating any of the ones that she has in the freezer. She hordes them, because she's afraid of running out of them. I have tried to explain the insanity of this position, explaining to her that having them and not eating them is the same thing as not having them at all.

These cookies have been chilling in her freezer for a year!

Heather! Eat some of your Thin Mints! I don't even want any! I just want to see you eat some!

Every time I see those boxes in the freezer, I go a little more mad.