New Art Project

I’m painting famous literary characters so they look exactly like photographs of Billy Dee Williams.

This is Captain Ahab:

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And here’s one I just whipped up of Shakespeare’s Shylock:

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Oh, and here’s my first one I did…It’s supposed to be Poe’s Auguste Dupin, but I’m not sure you can see it:

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In fact, you might not be able to see the literary characters any of these pieces, but I’m sure we all can agree that those paintings look exactly like old photographs of Billy Dee Williams.

feline-fatale replied to your post: How Does One Become a National Treasure?

How about a Tumblr Treasure?

Are you nominating me for Tumblr Treasure status?  I don’t think it works that way…it just has to HAPPEN, and then everybody just sort of has to agree on it.  I’ll ask you this: if I suddenly cancelled my account, would the “Tumblrness” of Tumblr be adversely affected in any significant way?  I don’t think so.  Therefore, I’m not a “Tumblr Treasure”.  It’s certainly a worthy goal, though.

How Does One Become a National Treasure?

It happened to Jeff Bridges last year.  An actor long respected, he achieved national treasure status at some point last year, and I don’t think it was just the Oscar that got him there.  After all, Denzel Washington has two Oscars, but he’s not a national treasure (Morgan Freeman is, but that’s an explanation for another day), and he never will be so long as he keeps making movies with Tony Scott.

It started happening with Lebowski, picked up steam through the Oscar campaign, and was certified with the unforeseen box-office success of True Grit, for which Bridges could take most of the credit if he was the sort of guy who would, which he isn’t.  Not even the middling cultural impact of Tron: Legacy can besmirch his new status.

How does one get here?  For Clint Eastwood, it happened somewhere around the time of Unforgiven and In The Line of Fire.  For Neil Young, it happened shortly after he picked up a guitar for the first time (wait, is he Canadian?  Fuck it: we’re claiming him anyway).  Why do some people work their entire careers and never achieve the level of a national treasure?  When did it happen to Bill Murray?

Anyway, that’s my real ambition.  Fuck “Tumblr famous”, anybody can pull that off.  I want to be a national fucking treasure.  I’d better get busy; I’m running out of time.

GUEST BLOGGER: A Pedophile Responds to the Taylor Swift Songbook: "Today Was a Fairy Tale"

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Oh, Taylor.

Oh, my sweet, skinny Taylor…

SIGH…

Here is the video to your lovely song, “Today Was a Fairy Tale,” a video I can barely even look at because you are too adorable for words.  I mean, I know!  I know!  You are totally over 18, but when I watch these videos of yours, you make me feel like you’re 12.

This is apparently a song about every day in the life of Taylor Swift.  It is a life so blessed it has never even been darkened by the specter of diarrhea.  Yes!  Taylor Swift has literally never had diarrhea!  I think you can even look that up on Wikipedia.  Taylor Swift writing a song called, “Today Was a Fairy Tale” is like me writing a song called, “Please don’t click on any of the folders on my laptop while I’m in the bathroom.”

To be honest, Taylor, it sort of sounds like you’re gloating.  We all know you’re beautiful and your life is perfect; you don’t need to rub it in.  But we forgive you, time and time again, because you are cuter than a baby bird’s awkward first jump out of the nest.  Do you plummet to the ground?  No, Taylor, you boldly take flight, first uncertainly, and then with majestic confidence, your wings flapping, your head held high!

But you don’t need to rub it in, anyway, is what I’m saying.  You would not earn an extra portion of ice cream with that attitude, Taylor!

You are adorable.  I don’t like staying mad at you.  I will forgive you if you give me one of those special kisses you know I like so much.

Why Is Everybody Concerned with "Tumblr Fame" This Morning?

As usual, I slept in too late to catch the genesis of the new thing that’s got everybody up in arms or whatever today.

I am not Tumblr Famous.  I have never been “blogging famous”, except for a brief period on Vox before it went live and the barbarians rushed in and ruined everything.  I’ll admit it: it was nice having everybody know who I was, and I also admit that it’s frustrating to me that I can’t seem to get back up to that level of notoriety.

If you’re curious to know how many followers I have, it’s 208.  It was 209 yesterday, but I guess I offended somebody with my video featuring the breasts of an adult performer.  Would I like more: almost certainly.  There are plenty of people who I know have more followers than I do who are not as funny as I am.  There are also plenty of funny people who have less.  Nobody can calculate the formula that leads to massive amounts of followers.  It’s a strange chemistry, and either you hit upon that chemistry, or you don’t.

One thing I am pretty sure of, though, is that a greater proportion of my followers are also my friends, which is something that a lot of “Tumblr celebs” can’t say.  Which is better: hundreds of followers you never interact with, or a handful of good pals?

(All that aside, would it kill you guys to recommend my blog once in awhile?)

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This is a bit of a chat I had with MentalExtensions earlier.  She probably wasn’t prepared for my superior aggressive manhoodliness.  If you want to have awesome chats like this that could happen AT ANY MOMENT, my Google Talk handle is kneelsonofjorel, which the more awesome and nerdy among you will recognize as both a reference to Superman II and a way of fucking life.

He Cooks, Too

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I’m eating this delicious meal right now.

Quick and dirty orange chicken stir fry.

Two chicken breasts, cut free of fat and diced into bite-size pieces.  Marinade in orange juice, soy sauce, and sweet chili sauce to taste and instinct.  Fry with green onions and water chestnuts.  Give the entire thing a final bath in a bit of O.J., serve that shit over rice and wonder why you don’t do this more often as you chow down on your better-than-restaurant quality dinner.