Hey, everybody, it’s me! Your favorite actor who was in all of those movies! Especially that one, you know which one I mean! No, not the one where the prostitute poops on me that you’ve all seen on TMJ or Pizza Hilton or wherever, no, the one where all the stuff EXPLODES! In slow-motion! While I run!
So, the other night I was at the grand opening of that new Outback Steakhouse, you know the one, right? In that complex with the Best Buy and the Old Navy? Yeah, that one. I wasn’t paid to be there or anything. I just really like Outback Steakhouse. Honestly. I was all looking forward to signing some outographs and bathing in the adoration of the people, when this kid comes in, and his hair’s all spiked and his abs were all chiseled, and he totally stole my fan worship!
I asked my date, Rosalee or Dawntana or something, who that guy was, and apparently he’s in some movie about a solar eclipse that makes werewolves horny? I really wasn’t paying attention because Dr. Righteous, Presciptor to the Stars, had upped my meds just right across the board that weekend, and everything sort of looked like the 80’s. Anyway, all the girls in the place were all up in this guy’s face with their breasts and bare midriffs and lower back tattoos, and I really felt gypped by the whole thing. I mean, sure, I had Megannette or something with me, but that’s not the point. I go out in public for one reason only, and that’s to get the fan-sweat of young hotties on my body.
So, what? Is just anybody famous now? This kid didn’t even seem to have any skills beyond the ability to do massive amounts of sit-ups. I bet he’s never even run away from an explosion in his life!
It was just really disappointing, like that time I went to visit those cancer kids at the hospital and only, like, two of them seemed to know who I was, and one of those kids got the name of the TV show I used to be on wrong. Way to go, kids! I swear, you can’t depend on anybody anymore.
Oh, and as far as that pooping prostitute goes, look, it’s not like I’m into that or anything, but I was on Ledgerian amounts of prescription meds at the time. I’m lucky it didn’t kill me, although I bet the producers of my last movie wish I had, I mean, damn, a sex scandal AND an overdose at the same time? Box office magic!
Haha!
Anyway, my fans, don’t believe everything you see on a grainy Internet video. It might be me, and I might be doing it, like that one time I tried to eat that kid’s cell phone, but you can never be sure how many medications, all of them prescribed by an actual doctor with a diploma and everything, that I might be on at the time. That shit makes you do some strange stuff. For instance, I played laser tag with The Rock and Donnie Wahlberg last weekend. There are photos to prove it. I have no memory of this event.
Later, fans! Don’t forget to watch my movies! And if you see me at your favorite restaurant some day, don’t be afraid to send over your most attractive daughter. I’m a real nice guy!