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I think the reason that more men haven’t participated in this deal is that a photo of a man’s underwear is also an indirect photo of his penis, and a lot of guys are understandably uncomfortable with that.  For instance, before taking this pic, I found myself “arranging” my dick so that the bulge would be noticeable, but not so noticeable that it looked like I had arranged my dick.  This is complicated stuff here, people.

mowgli3 replied to your post: I Think the Person Who Had My Number before Me Is…

I believe the person who had my number before was someone named “Weelo” (that’s what it sounds like?), and may have also been a drug dealer. I have received any number of phone calls between 1-3 AM, asking if I can hook them up with “some stuff.”

No, that’s me.  “Weelo” is my pet name for you, and “stuff” is your vagina.  I get really lonely late at night.

Jeez, lady.

I Think the Person Who Had My Number before Me Is Dead

so the person who had your number before you is no longer thought to be a woman? didn’t you think it was a woman before?

Did I?  I don’t know.  I think I was just using the gender-neutral “he” there.  Here’s what I know about the previous owner of my number:

  • Loves sushi
  • Knows somebody in Oregon
  • Sucks at communicating with friends

Not enough to really nail down the gender, although I think men are generally more into sushi, just because there’s some sort of bullshit machismo associated with it: “Put some more wasabi on this raw fish, motherfuckers!”

I’ll update you further as this mystery unfolds.

I Love Showing up on People's Crushes

I know it’s dumb, but it makes me feel special for a moment when I know I am one of somebody’s 9 favorite Tumblrs according to the not precisely accurate math that is used to generate that list.

That’s the reason I like to post my own sometimes, because I hope that it will make those 9 people smile for a few seconds.  Also, since the crush list is also a shorthand list of people I would like to have sex with on Tumblr,* it serves that purpose as well (how you guys doin’?).

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*Yes, I am aware that there is a man on this list.  You got a problem with that, ‘cause I sure don’t.

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ADDENDUM: The “crush list” is not an exhaustive catalogue of the Tumblr peeps I have crushes on/wish to get kinky with.  There are a LOT more.

I Think the Person Who Had My Number before Me Is Dead

He committed suicide; he went down in a private airplace; he’s stuck in a ravine; he’s buried alive; something.

Because I keep getting calls from numbers I don’t recognize, and I am getting texts from a sushi restaurant about their weekly specials, and every other week I get a new strange text from one of his “friends” that he apparently didn’t bother to tell that he got a new phone number.

Because he’s dead.  Not only that, but he died in some way that has not been discovered yet.  It’s the only thing that makes sense.  Why else would NONE of his friends know that he got a new phone number?

Unless, maybe, he’s in the Witness Protection Program.  I guess that would work.  I should have asked “Kate” from Oregon who she thought she was texting…my money is on Santino “The Wop” Fortenza.

Winona Ryder Doesn't Use the Internet

Apparently, she is completely baffled by it and doesn’t read blogs or anything.  She said this in an interview.

I think this is a good time to mention that I still have a massive crush on Winona Ryder, and it’s nice to see her in movies again, and I’d love to ejaculate on her face while she recites lines from Heathers.

If anybody else out there has something they’ve always wanted to say about Winona Ryder, now’s the time, kids.  Don’t worry, it’s like insulting the Amish on the Internet: your target will never read it.

Anyway, yeah: let’s make raunchy sex, Spock’s mom.  I’ll let you do things to me that are not right.