GUEST BLOGGER: A Pedophile Responds to the Taylor Swift Songbook: "Our Song"

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Hello, Tumblr!  I’m an anonymous pedophile, and I’ve taken some time off, again, from stalking your children’s MySpace pages to critique another song from that skinny little unfortunately-aged cutie Taylor Swift.

This time I’ll be doing the track “Our Song,” which you can brush up on by clicking here: Taylor Swift, please let me suck on those toes.

Here’s how I’d respond if some girl was riding in my car and mentioned how we don’t have a song.  I’d smile at her and very slowly say, “Well, honey, that’s because we’re not characters in a movie.”  And if she still insisted on whining about it, I’d cue this up on my iPod.

Who has a song nowadays, Taylor Swift?  Maybe the people in the fairy-tale world you seem to live in, but nobody here in reality has a damn song.  We’re all too busy with our jobs and our families and trying to seduce 11-year olds to worry about picking out romantic songs whenever we’re in the mood for some hairless slit.

Call me crazy, but this song just doesn’t ring true.  No girl would say that, and no man would respond like the guy in this song.  I can be as romantic as the next 46-year old guy trying to trick the neighbor’s daughter into taking off her panties, but no way would I say all of that garbage about screen doors or whatever.

Taylor Swift, you may be as cute as an otter wearing Mickey Mouse ears, but you have a lot to learn about people, and about pedophiles.  But I’ll forgive you, like always, because you’re so skinny and adorable.  That sort of thing goes a long way with me.

Pringles Lies

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Look at that chip.  Does that look like a mozzarella stick and marinara chip to you?  No, it doesn’t.  Interesting fact: it doesn’t taste like one, either.

So either somebody fucked up at the factory, or Pringles is blatantly lying about the flavors of their “potato crisps”.  (It could be possible that my taste buds are losing their sensitivity, due to my crippling sandpaper-licking habits.)

But seriously, I expected these to literally EXPLODE WITH FLAVOR ALL OVER MY FACE LIKE A TGI FRIDAY’S BUKKAKE OF DEEP-FRIED GOODNESS.

They just taste like Pringles.

The hell.

"Under the Mistletoe" by The Investigation

I’ve mentioned before that I have an imaginary band called The Investigation that does a variety of punk and pop tunes about subjects such as Lovecraftian horror, science fiction and perversity.

Well, here’s a Christmas song we just wrote.  The musical accompaniment should be energetic pop-punk in the fashion of Screeching Weasel.

UNDER THE MISTLETOE

It’s Christmas
Once again, but what’s the difference?
My holiday spirit, such as it is, has been shattered
No one
Wants to come and have fun
On this night or any other night, for that matter

I watch the Charlie Brown show
Just like it’s a porno

And I jerk off
Under the mistletoe
One more time,
‘Cause I’ve got nowhere to go
Jerking off
Under the mistletoe tonight

It’s stupid
Can’t even score on OK Cupid
What’s wrong with me?  I don’t know, my self-worth is in tatters
It’s not right
To be alone on this night
Watching the tube with no pants on, could I be sadder?

Now it’s time for the Grinch
I guess he’ll do in a pinch

While I jerk off
Under the mistletoe
My arm is tired
But here comes another show
Jerking off
Under the mistletoe tonight.

Why does nobody love me?
(Because you smell and your teeth are brown)
I just want someone to hug me
(Maybe move to a different town)

I am on a mission
To fuck my television

Jerking off
Under the mistletoe
Solitude
Is the only friend I know
Jerking off
Under the mistletoe tonight….
Under the mistletoe tonight…
Under the mistletoe tonight…

Jerking off
Under the mistletoe tonight.

Getting a Little Excited over Here

The early web-reviews of the Coen Brothers’ True Grit are in, and they all seem to amount, basically, to:

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I can’t wait for this film.  I’ll make sure I wear a diaper.

——-

To Jeff Bridges and the Coen Brothers: my apologies for associating your film with a lame image I constructed out of a gay cumshot I found on the Internet.  You guys certainly deserve better than that.

amandaskaja replied to your post: I’m Walkin’, Oh Yes Indeed

Of all sates bordering Canada, you picked WI? I can dig it… even though they don’t even have a team in the NHL, but I know many people who get excited about Hockey. (WI is my home state. You follow Mowgli3, yes? We left the same town…)

See, I don’t even know enough about hockey to know whether or not Wisconsin has a pro hockey team or not.  I know that they are rather fanatical about their pro football team, though.  I think “Wisconsin” is just a funny-sounding state.