GUEST BLOGGER: A Pedophile Responds to the Taylor Swift Songbook: “Fifteen”
That definitely made me laugh more than it should have.
I love it when I make people laugh and then feel bad about themselves.

GUEST BLOGGER: A Pedophile Responds to the Taylor Swift Songbook: “Fifteen”
That definitely made me laugh more than it should have.
I love it when I make people laugh and then feel bad about themselves.
Hello. I am a pedophile. I am sexually attracted to children. To preserve my anonymity, I am using a photograph of Gene Wilder as Willy Wonka. I’m not suggesting that Gene Wilder is a pedophile, but Wonka might be. Did you see the way he looks at some of those kids? Exactly the way that I do.
Anyway, you didn’t come here to listen to me go on about kids, although I honestly could do it all day. You wanted to hear my take on the Taylor Swift song “Fifteen”, which is one of my favorites for reasons that should be obvious.
Here is a link to the music video: Taylor Swift is so cute, like a kitten.
It’s a song about how 15-year-old girls are naive and will believe anything a man tells them, and let me just say: yes, that is so true. Here’s a quick list of things I’ve said to 15-year-olds that they have totally swallowed:
The song itself, outside of the theme of how fucking gullible 15-year-old girls are, is pretty good. Catchy chorus, nice lyrics and all that. I don’t have anything negative to say about it, and that Taylor Swift is so cute, just so slender and blonde and cute. I would totally kiss her, even though she’s a little old for me.
In summation: young girls are so easy to lie to, and Taylor Swift is a cutie. Sometimes, when I listen to her music (and I do…it’s important to stay on top of things that young people like when you’re a pedophile), I like to imagine she’s really the age she’s singing about. It heightens the experience, if you will.
Until next time, this is an anonymous pedophile from the Internet. Catch you next time…in my van! Haha, just kidding. They always come willingly. That’s why I’m so good at it.
iamjasonnelms replied to your post: The “Loophole”
I agree, you get to set your rules for your relationships. Here is a questions I have: Let’s say your woman wants to sleep with another man. Normally, that is out of bounds for your rules but let’s say he has a spectacular penis…what then?
Everything is negotiable, but I’m inclined to say no. I don’t get to sleep with another woman just because she has magnificent breasts or a fine ass, or will do that one kinky thing that my woman won’t. Attractiveness is not a compelling argument. If she wants a monster cock, she can take a monster dildo.
Also, my penis is pretty nice.
There is a belief that I espoused to a couple work chums, and it got passed around and nobody agrees with me on this point: if you are in a committed relationship with somebody who considers themselve bisexual, then same-sex (or opposite-sex, if your relationship is homosexual) flings do not constitute cheating. This is something that I believe. If I am with a woman, and we are in love, and she wants to step out with a lady friend for some hot girly-sex one evening, I am in no position to argue with her.
I do not possess breasts or a vagina: I cannot simulate the joys of sex with a woman, therefore, it’s none of my business if she wants time out with a lady. And no, I don’t say that because I want to watch. Certainly, if she wants me to, I will, but that is not a requirement of this agreement, which I will always have with any bisexual women I am in relationships with in the future (hear what I’m saying, Lisa? Knock yourself out if you wanna).
Nobody at work gets this. They all call it a “loophole”, and don’t understand why, if it’s okay for my theoretical gf to fuck a woman, it’s not okay for her to fuck a guy. I would think that was obvious: I already have a penis. I’m talking about going outside the relationship to get what I cannot provide for her: vagina. What the fuck do I care? As long as she’s with me the other 95% of the time, I won’t begrudge her 5% lesbianism. There’s emotional fidelity, and there’s sexual fidelity, and those aren’t the same things.
I think I get to define my own concept of “cheating” in my own relationships, with my own girlfriends, anyway.
I think that if I was having these same conversations in Oregon, it wouldn’t be so hard for me to convince people.
yhf replied to your photo: This is a toy we sell at my work. It calls itself…
Trust me, you’re not. My kid asked me why Two-Face looked so happy when half his face was eaten away by acid.
I commend your son for being aware that Two-Face’s face was destroyed by acid, not a warehouse explosion.
DAMN YOU, CRISTOPHER NOLAN!
This is a toy we sell at my work. It calls itself a “DC Super Friends Pack”, but I don’t see any “friends” there, just Batman and four psychopaths. The only one he’s ever been close to friends with is Two-Face back when he was still called Harvey Dent. Personally, I’m a little squicked out by these crazed multiple murderers being marketed to little, little kids, all of them with cheerful smiles on their faces (which makes sense for the Joker, but his smile is supposed to be malevolent, not “look, I have a cartoonishly-large mallet!” silly-billy).
Oh, well.
I’m pretty sure I’m the only person worrying about this stuff.
Leslie Nielson was a versatile actor who never really got a chance to flex his ample talents. I posted this little Creepshow clip just to show that the man had range (his “chapter,” entitled “Something to Tide You Over,” is my favorite of the EC-inspired anthology). In a way, it’s sort of a shame that he became so synonymous with comedy, because he wasn’t really conventionally “good” at it. The reason that he worked so well in Airplane! and The Naked Gun is that he had such a deadpan delivery: he didn’t play the parts much differently than he would have in a straight genre offering. Later in his career, his roles got increasingly silly and were therefore not funny.
Still, though, this man provided many, many laughs over the years. The truly hilarious sequences in the Naked Gun films (the first two, fuck the third) made me laugh as hard as I’ve ever laughed in a movie theater, and for that, Leslie Nielsen will always be fondly remembered. The news of his parting actually makes me a little sad. It’s like I’ve lost my fifth grandparent.
3. Sgt. Al Powell (Reginald Veljohnson)—Die Hard
As Bruce Willis’s John McClane is single-handedly fighting off terrorists-slash-thieves in L.A.’s Nakatomi Tower, Al Powell is the only friend he has on the outside, even though McClane welcomed him to the party by throwing a corpse onto his car. Powell’s loyalty to McClane, a man he’s never met, is inflexible, and he brings a warm, nougaty heart to a pretty nasty piece of action business.
Nicest Moments: All of that heart-to-heart bonding over the radios, standing up for McClane even while his superiors are talking shit about him, that look on his face when he and McClane see each other for the first time. That’s man love, right there.
4. Butch Cassidy (Paul Newman)—Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid
Butch is the “man with the plan” in the Butch/Sundance partnership, and he’s always ready with a quick witticism or a bold idea to get them out of a scrape. Even when fighting dirty to fend off a challenge to his gang-leader status, Butch never for a second seems mean about it. A character later in the movie tells him how nice he is while Butch and Sundance are tying the man up. There doesn’t seem to be a man alive who doesn’t like Butch, and it’s entirely possible that he’s never truly hated a man, either. Even though he’s an outlaw, he’s as loyal, even-tempered and affable as they come.
Nicest Moments: Conversations with Woodcock the railroad man, flirting with Etta, the woman that he and Sundance are both sweet on, his great diffusing of the tense sepia-toned opening scene.