Mistake

My decision to remain in Utah was a huge mistake.  I could be living with my parents practically rent-free while I put my life back together, but instead I chose to be stubborn, and now I’m living somewhere hell and gone from my shitty job with no transportation, I slept on the floor of the empty house I used to share with Jill last night because I had no ride at one o’clock to get my ass “home”, I have no real friends and I have no idea what the fuck I’m going to do.

I hate every aspect of this, and I spent my entire night at my shitty job last night thinking about swift and economical ways of just fucking ending all of this.

I need somebody to rescue me from this bullshit, because I am fundamentally incapable of doing it myself.

I have failed at every important life decision I’ve ever made.

Work Story (NSFW, my apologies))

Today, I was walking through the retail store I work at minding my own damn business, when one of the girls I work with says, “Smell this,” and thrusts a shirt on a hanger at me.

Me: “Why?  Wait…why is it wet, what is that, no…”

It was a blouse drenched in stinky piss that had been found in the ladies’ fitting room.  The question on everybody’s lips was, “Why would somebody pee on a shirt?”

Obviously, their Internet habits are different from mine, because I immediately knew what had been going down in there:

 

Media_httpmediatumblr_sjveo

Yep.  Gang, we had European fully-clothed piss sluts in our store today.  Am I the only one getting excited?

Yeah, probably…

You Don't Need Drugs to Be This Weird

Here’s a fact that scandalizes and perplexes everybody I tell it to:

I have never been high.

There is a particular slice of our modern American culture that cannot even comprehend this.  Usual response: “Never?”  Like I’m going to think back and suddenly remember that one time I smoked marijuana at the ashram with Paul and Ringo.  No, I have never been high.  I have been drunk, certainly.  I have been wired on caffeine.  I’m not totally opposed to manipulating my mood with chemicals, I’ve just never done any of the illegal ones.

I can’t say why.  Just never got around to it.  Also, I don’t feel that I’ve missed anything.  I’m still strange.  I can still come up with weird shit.  I’m still lazy and have a crappy job.  I still have problems focusing.  When I need to unwind, I knock back half a six-pack and feel good about things.

Also, I sort of hate “pot culture”, with their pot leaves and their beanies and their sniggering every time somebody utters the name “Mary Jane”.  If these are the sort of people I can expect to be hanging out with, then no fucking thank you, Mr. Weed Pusher (I am aware of how square I am being right now).  Does being surrounded by an army of red-eyed Woody Harrelsons and Matthew McConaugheys sound appealing to you?  Because it sounds like fucking hell to me.  I like to hang with people who can hold coherent conversations about things other than free-range oxygen and the secret room in “the government” where they keep all the good shit, and how The Hobbit is really about weed and how Shaggy is a toker (no, he was just a square cartoonist’s idea of a 60’s teenager).  That shit just bores me to death.

So, yeah, you can just keep your pot and your glass pipes and your Saturday markets and your hacky-sacks.  I’ll be over here writing, posting oddball stuff, watching movies and understanding them all the way through.

On the other hand, I totally agree that there’s no practical reason why pot should be illegal.  I’m totally on board that “Legalize It” bus, guys.  Just please, for fuck’s sake, turn down the Bob Marley.

Tumblr Lessons

Things learned:

  • Posting about your follower count is an unpardonable sin, and it will really offend people who probably have a lower one than you do.
  • Posting explicit pornography or perversion squicks people out.  “Erotic photography” is A-OK, however.
  • Attempts to craft your own amusing images will not be appreciated as much as a Harry Potter joke that’s been around the Internet a dozen times.
  • All men on Tumblr are creepy perverts; the women are all filthy floozies.
  • The odds of Tumblr going down are directly proportional to how badly you want to post something hilarious.
  • Tumblr loves talking about itself.
  • Tumblr has been discovered by Facebook/MySpace jerkoffs who are doing their noble best to ruin the vibe here.  This is an essential part of a social network’s life cycle.
  • This will probably get more notes than anything I’ve posted all week.

Here’s a picture of a kitten:

Media_httpmediatumblr_qkutt

Parallels

I’ve never watched The Wild Bunch and Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid back-to-back, but I just finished The Wild Bunch, and Butch and Sundance are coming up now.

For those who aren’t aware, these two movies came out the same year, and they tell essentially the same story: outlaws at the end of their rope being chased by a posse in the final days of the Old West.  Both movies even have their protagonists meeting their makers at the hands of a foreign army under similar circumstances.  The only difference is that one is mostly fact-based and the other is complete fiction.  Oh, and: one movie is charming and popular; the other is greasy, mean, and still controversial to this day.  Guess which one is my favorite?

Media_httpmediatumblr_tlzlu

100 Posts Away

My 1000th post will be in exactly 100 posts (well, 99 now that I’ve posted this).

How to celebrate?

  • Picks of my cock? (Probably not.)
  • Shout-outs to my favorite Tumblrs?  (Perhaps.)
  • Some other special event I haven’t thought of yet? (Undoubtedly.)

Assuming I don’t blink and actually miss the big to-do altogether, do you guys have any ideas for how to commemorate this monument to wasted life?