A Brief Tour of My Bedroom

There is literally no reason for you to watch this. I bored myself while filming it. But, if you're curious about where I sleep, this video will reveal the terrible truth.

"Enjoy":

Notes: yes, there is peeling wallpaper that I haven't taken care of yet. Yes, there is a bottle of hand lotion on the dresser and no, I didn't mean to say, "Things of that nature" while pointing the camera at it on purpose: that was just a happy accident.

Murder!

Left to her own devices, my mother will watch reality murder programming all day long, with the occasional detour into the land of Maury and Jerry. This morning, I decided I wasn't going to usher in the day with murder, so I picked up the remote to change the channel.

MOM: Did I tell you that you could touch the remote?

ME: It's too early for murder. [My mother never, ever, checks the movie channels. I do and find Beverly Hills Cop.]

MOM: [Angrily] I'm not watching stupid Beverly Hills Cop. It's "too early" for that! [Does a mocking imitation of Eddie Murpy's laugh.]

ME: Hey, look, The Great Muppet Caper!

MOM: The last thing I want is some dumb Muppet movie!

Eventually, I found a documentary about the Apollo missions.

MOM: And what makes you think I want to watch this?

ME: Hey, guess what? Some people died during the Apollo missions! Maybe they were murdered!

This seemed to placate her.

Every Time I Post Something Now...

...I find myself pausing to consider if two people I've never even met will disapprove of it, and that pisses me off. They've already made up their minds anyway, and I really don't care if anybody approves of me. I already have a ton of people who approve of me, and arguably the people who love me are the only people who matter.

So, yeah...it's their loss, really. I'm a pretty good person, regardless of who I choose not to worship, regardless of the fact that, yes, I enjoy sex, and regardless of whether or not they "get" my jokes.

I guess they have enough friends that they can afford to pre-judge people this way. I have friends who probably voted for McCain in the last presidential election, who have faith in Christ and who listen to appalling music. But they're still my friends, because I don't go around throwing people away when they disagree with me.

I think somebody had something to say about tolerance that they put in a book or something one time. I can't remember who it was right now, but it was something about casting stones. That guy was a smart dude in a lot of ways, don't you think?

This Really Happened

I was at work. I was helping a man with an item he had on hold. He said his name was Thor Wolfsbane. This man was black. As we were talking, he said, "There's something you don't see very often." I turned around to see what he was talking about, and there was an honest-to-goodness albino Chinese woman.

So, unless you spoke to an African Viking while surrounded by Asian ghosts, I think it's safe to declare my day more awesome than yours.

Danzkids

Internet, I present to you the new LOLcat: the danzkid.

How does one make a danzkid? It is very simple. You simply grab an image of a child character from an 80's film and superimpose a Danzig-era Misfits lyric upon it.

Why?

WHY?

Why does anybody do anything on the Internet? I believe that the danzkid is poised to become the next big Interthing. It's pointless, pop-culturally wanky and is also ripe with pretentious fartsiness if you're doing it right.

For examples, see here:

Danzkid1
And here:

Danzkid2
And also here:

Danzkid3
This is what the hipster Internet kids are going to be doing next week everybody!

"Oh, you're still putting captions on cats? Yeah...I was really into that for, like, a minute back in 2009."

Jump on the danzkid train!