Tiny

We have a very small girl at work.  She is not a midget, she’s all in proportion, she is just a wee little person, short and slender.  When she walks between the racks you can actually lose her because she is shorter than they are.  SMALL.

I am amused by how tiny she is.  I can’t stop making jokes about it.  The other day, she called in sick to work, and I offered these explanations whenever the subject came up:

  • She got trapped under a slice of cheese.
  • She fell into a teacup and, like a spider, could not climb her way back out of it.
  • She was walking across a salt shaker and fell down through one of the holes in the lid.

Am I getting across to you how small this girl is?  Okay.  The second thing about her is that she is incredibly cute, and not just in that “pat on the head” way, either.  She works most evenings in the children’s department.

This means:

Several times a day I walk past the children’s department and see a short, skinny girl looking at children’s clothes that I want to rail mercilessly.

It’s unfair that I should feel pedophilic about wanting to fuck a girl who is perfectly legal fucking age.

Nothing More

There is nothing riskier, more foolish, or more fraught with the potential for heartbreak and disappointment than falling for pretty girls on the Internet.

But I’m not going to stop, because I’m not made that way: my heart doesn’t have an all-stop lever.

It’s stupid.

I’m going stupid for you.

Actually, It's Pretty Enormous

People who say, “It’s a small world!” have obviously never been interested in somebody who lives in a different state.  I mean, to hell with the world, it’s the fucking country that I’m having a problem with right now.  It’s friggin’ huge!

——-

Note: I just tagged this “geography” and was shocked to see it auto-complete…when, exactly, did I post about geography previously?

Attention Anybody Trying to Get in Touch with Me

I just got kicked off of Jill’s “family plan” without even a second of warning from her parents (even though I’m paying for my part of the plan now).  I expected I wouldn’t be a part of their phone plan any more, but I would have appreciated some advance warning before getting the bump-off so that I could put some of my meager fucking paycheck toward getting something else going.

But never mind, because even the barest smidgen of fucking courtesy is beyond anyone in this world.  How many family events do you need to attend before you stop getting treated like some loser scum hanging around their daughter?  Answer: all of them.

Regardless, if you have my number, it doesn’t work right now.  Send me an email or a private message, please.  I’ll let you all know when I’m back on the grid.

Woo!

I Don't Mean to Brag...

…but the other day I took part in the most amazing onesome.  You always wonder if you would rise to the occasion if one were to happen, and trust me, everybody involved really enjoyed themselves, if you know what I mean.  And when it was over, there wasn’t even any awkwardness, just a quick towelling down and we all went about our day.

It was just like I’d always fantasized.