Redemption

Perhaps because I had been so incredibly bitter about being proselytized to yesterday, I bought a $2 candy bar from the motherly-looking woman and the two most adorable children from the school they were selling them for outside of the grocery store today*.  It was for a Christian school, in fact, so I’m getting my shit right with, if not Jesus, at least one mother and two ridiculously cute kids.

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*That is one complicated fucking sentence, but I think it still passes the comprehensibility test.

The Bachelor Gourmet

1. Cube up a couple potatoes.  Fry ‘em over medium heat until they’re tender.

2. Throw in half a pound of ground beef.  Brown that shit up.

3. Throw in several tablespoons of sour cream until you’ve got the desired consistency.

4. Spice with garlic powder, chili powder, pepper, and salt if you’re heart isn’t about to explode like mine is.

5. You just made potatoes stroganoff, motherfucker, and to hell with anybody who tries to tell you different.

6. Eat that shit!

Variations: You can get all fruity and saute some onions before the first step, or throw in some peppers, or even mushrooms if you’re one of those types, but any of these additions will lengthen your cooking time past the ten minute ideal.

Interesting

I both lost and gained a follower with that last post.  I’m changing my name to Even Steven.

EDIT: It’s alwsays interesting to me when somebody stops following me because of the contents of an opinion blog, especially one in which I strove to make it clear that I wasn’t talking about how ALL RELIGIOUS PEOPLE ARE ASSHOLES.  I can only assume that the person who unfollowed me took offense because they are in the habit of spending their afternoons handing out religious tracts.

I’m also stunned that some people believe that complete political and spiritual agreement is necessary for something as superficial as being friends on the Internet.  I don’t even have the same requirement for my life mates; I just ask that they’re not hateful about what they believe.  For instance, exxtramedium and I disagreed pretty harshly about capital punishment awhile ago.  Guess what: we’re still Tumblr buds.

People who are that insecure about their beliefs really make me question how fervently they really believe, if some jackass on the Internet can challenge them so deeply with a tossed-off blog that they feel the need to run and hide.

Get Your Life Right

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I was walking to the grocery store just now, and a man in a flannel shirt who sort of looked like a hobo intercepted me across the street from the LDS church and asked if I wanted to read something.  I learned how to politely say, “No” to these people a long time ago, so I did, and walked on.  As he departed to find his next target, he said over his shoulder: “Get your life right with Jesus before it’s too late.”

My first instinct was to respond with: “Fuck you, you judgmental turd, you don’t know anything about me,” but of course, I never say that, because I sort of feel sorry for these people.  Everything they could be doing with their lives, and they choose to spend it handing out religious tracts to strangers.  Even if he had been giving away free copies of his band’s demo CD he’d be putting something made with love into the world, rather than whatever brand of guilt and fear he was selling.  He could take the same energy he uses to hand out flimsy little tracts that will get thrown away two minutes later, and put that to use effecting real change somewhere in the world: volunteering to work with special needs kids or rescue dogs or something.

Don’t get me wrong: I’m no volunteer.  That’s my own failing, and I own it.  I don’t get as involved as I should.  But neither am I standing on a street corner judging the souls of people I don’t even know.  And really, what does that accomplish?  Is the world going to measurably improve if he converts one person with his sloppy proselytizing?  No.  Because if anything, this world needs less religious folks, not more.  Because where is the majority of the hate in the world coming from?  From fanatical religious people.

I’m not arguing that religion needs to be done away with, nor am I arguing that no good ever comes from it.  There are people in this country and around the world who see their religions as a way to spread love and kindness rather than fear and bigotry, and I love those people so much I’m occasionally tempted to join their flock even though I’m a steadfast non-believer.  Also, the same First Amendment that protects your right to religious choice also protects my desire to see pretty girls peeing on each other whenever I want.  (I know: the same amendment!  Crazy, huh?  Welcome to freedom.)

Imagine, if the next time somebody put on their shoes to go hand out tracts, they threw that crap in the trash and instead walked down to a homeless shelter to try to make somebody’s life a little better now, rather than worrying about their soul after they’re dead?  Because that seems like the textbook method of getting your life right, whether it’s with Jesus or Mohammed or whoever your personal imaginary friend is.

I’m now in danger of turning into a two-bit John Lennon wannabe, and nobody wants that, so I’ll just wrap up this unfocused bit of soapboxery before I embarrass myself further.

The point is, those religious tract guys really irritate me.

The Jury Is No Longer Out

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Every time they do a Conan O’Brien themed post on Huffington Post, or CHUD, or any other entertainment website, the haters always come out: “He’s not funny,” they always rush to be the first to comment.

I realize that humor, like porn, is subjective, but, look: the verdict has already been turned in on this one.  Motherfucker’s funny.  Okay?  I hate to be so blunt about this, because you haters have a lot invested in trying to convince us that he’s not.  But a fact is a fact, and if you don’t think Conan O’Brien is funny, well…I’m sorry that your soul has never known joy.  It must suck getting up, trudging through your hateful life, and retiring to bed every day wearing the same stupid skin.

Bandwagoneering

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I’m not usually one for jumping on these sorts of “make your blog this color” bandwagons…I didn’t go green for Iran, I never go pink for tits, It’s just not in my nature to be a joiner.  I support what I support, believe what I believe, and I think that my own occasional soap-boxy posts speak adequately on where my sympathies lie.

So, here’s a flimsy excuse to post a photo of Heath Ledger in his Joker attire, and a reminder that there is so much really wrong with our world, and our country, and that scapegoating a sexual minority for our social “ills” is pretty motherfucking cowardly.

You hate it because it’s “sick” and “wrong” and “against God’s plan”, but where was all of that judgment when your wife was strapping it on and taking you up the ass?  Nobody has a monopoly on sexual “perversion” in this world, and whatever you like to do in the privacy of your marriage bed is no more or less “sick” than what the average gay couple gets up to.

Gays are statistically some of the best citizens we have in this country.  They are generally wealthier, better educated, and less prone to crime than straights.  By almost any metric they’re the sort of people you want to have more of around, not less.  But Oh!  Heavens to Betsy!  They put it in each other’s butts!

Grow the fuck up.