In Your Heart

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This fruitcake, who won the GOP nomination for Senator from Delaware, was once on a show about teen sex in which she equated masturbation with adultery, because the Bible warns about “lust in your heart”, and it’s impossible, she says, to masturbate without lust in your heart.

So, for Christine O’Donnell, please, the next time you masturbate, do it with hate in your heart.  It’s the Christian thing to do.

Mismatched Partners Who Grudgingly Learn to Respect Each Other

Today, in the store, I saw a couple of guys shopping together.  Ordinarily two guys in this situation would probably be named Colin and Bryce, and they’d be upstairs in the home department picking out sheets.

But NO: this was even better!

Person One: A tall, older gentleman in a vest, work-shirt, jeans, cowboy boots, and a big ol’ ten gallon hat complete with a big feathery embellishment on the front.

Person Two: An honest-to-goodness wisecracking black guy, about twenty years younger than his cowpoke friend.

Now, I know what you’re thinking, if you’re anything like me.  You’re thinking, “Well, obviously, these two men are police detectives, partnered up against their wishes, and they’re headed down the long road to tight, Murtaugh/Riggs bonding and a friendship that will transcend the job and enrich their lives beyond their wildest dreams.”

Exactly!

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Sam Elliott.  Tommy Davidson.  The Cowboy and Slick.  Tuesdays at 9 on ABC!

Movie Quiz!

Match the movie quote up with the title!  Super easy!  SUPER FUN!

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QUOTES

1.  “Earth is irrelevant.  The will of the Star Combine is all.”

2.  “You say you love me, but I look in your eyes, and all I see is disdain.” — “But less disdain than usual, my dear.”

3.  “Another culture, another genocide.  You’re creating quite the name for yourself, General!”

4.  “Dr. Brosky is evil!  That’s all we hear from you, Donnigan!  Go chisel it on a goddamn mountain!”

5.  “If we don’t get their brains put back into the right bodies…things are going to get complicated.”

6.  “You know, when I got up this morning, I thought, yeah, my life sucks now, but at least it can’t get any worse than zombies.”

7.  “War is an orgasm that the whole country gets to feel.”

8.  “You punch like a retard!” — “Okay, wow, have you ever actually been punched by a retard?  Because those guys don’t know their own strength.”

9.  “Maybe it’s just our proximity to the event horizon talking, but I think I’m kinda sweet on you.”

10.  “This Kool-Ade tastes funny.” — “Uh, that’s because that’s Zykarian spinal fluid.”

MOVIES

A.  Cryoborg

B.  The Diseased

C.  Star Cannibals

D.  Sick Medicine

E.  Windswept Memories

F.  The Hidden Warp

G.  Black Apocalypse

H.  The Nuclear Dead

I.  Null and Void

J.  Jaxon Pride: Freelance Hard Case

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Good Luck!

Torch-Passing

It’s time the Internet got a new official badass.  The whole Chuck Norris thing is played, and the guy’s too much of a doofus to really qualify as “badass” anyway.

Here are my nominations for the New Official Badass of the Internet:

Wings Hauser

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The fact that he’s not particularly well-known is the whole reason that this is an excellent choice.  He has a rich catalog of cops, psychos and perverts in his acting resume.  He’s also, at 62, still younger than that old fogey Chuck Norris.  Plus…”Wings Hauser”…that just rolls right off the fingers.

Rutger Hauer

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The coming-soon Hobo with a Shotgun is going to explode Hauer’s dwindling profile in a major way.  Get on the Rutger train now, people!  Plus, his last name is only one letter off from Hauser, which somehow makes him even more badass.  66: Still younger than Norris.

Sho Kosugi

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This dude has played a ninja perhaps more often than any other actor in the world.  You can’t play a ninja that many times without picking up some essential ninja skills here and there, you know what I mean?  Ninja.  Another 62-year old.  Younger than Norris.  Christ, that guy is old!

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Make your pick now, Internet!  This is for keepsies.

The Fake Celebrity: My Penis Is Totally Larger Than That--A Vox Rescue Post

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Okay.  You read the title, yes?  Okay.  That was a terrible photo.  Those paparazzi always like to get you at your worst, you know, stumbling out of a nightclub with coke smeared all over your face or punching an underage hooker in an alley, just to name a couple random hypothetical situations that I have never been involved with.  But this!  This is such an invasion of privacy!

Can’t a fellow lift weights in the nude on the balcony of a hotel without SOMEBODY with a telephoto lens snapping pics of his junk?  How was I supposed to know that I was within eyesight of another human being?  I just wanted to lift some weights, outside.  In the nude.

So, like, I had just got out of the shower, and it was sort of chilly outside, sort of overcast and stuff, and we all know what cold does to certain parts of the male anatomy, yes?  Plus, I think they were using some sort of penis-shrinking lens.  Seriously!  Those sites, you know, TMJ and Gomez Hilton and stuff, they are developing the technology.  Plus, I think they Photoshop and airbrush those pics sometimes: to make us look terrible!  I can’t prove it, but I’m certain that it really happens.  One time on Gomez Hilton, they had a pic up of Lindsay Lohan with semen dripping out of her mouth, and it was SO obvious that somebody just sloppily drew that on in some primitive paint program.  They didn’t even try to make it look real!  Hey, good work, Gomez!  You’re REALLY fooling everyone!

What I’m saying is, don’t believe everything you read, because maybe the folks at your favorite gossip blog, who are all without a doubt pedophiles who want to have sex with your children and then sell them to terrorists to have sex with, maybe took a penis from their large collection of digital child-penises and swapped it in for my healthy, all-American beef sausage log.

You know?  THAT COULD HAPPEN.

Also, they rape sheep and shit on photographs of your mother baking apple pies.

See?  Anybody can do this!  This is the easiest job in the world!  Now I’ll just paste in a photo of Gomez sucking five guys off next to a Dumpster!  I probably won’t even have to fake it!

Umm, what else is going on?  Hmm.

I guess that’s all.  In summation: my penis is more than adequately sized.  Ask any teenaged (legal!) female resident of North Springs, Wisconsin, where I stayed for 3 months in 2005 while filming Heaven in a Hat, a great little quirky small town film that got totally dissed at the Oscars that year.  I played the magical claims adjuster, remember?  With the bow tie, and the frogs?  (I assume, if you are reading these posts, you are a huge fan and have seen all of my movies.)

That’s it for today.  Remember to support Hollywood: see a movie!