The Fake Celebrity: Top Ten--A Vox Rescue Post

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Here’s ten things I’ve done that you probably haven’t.

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1.  Guest-starred on three different Law & Order series and two CSIs.

2.  Been sneezed on by David Letterman during a commercial break.  Dave, I love ya, but that was one of the “Top Ten Most Disgusting Moments of My Life”.  Ha-ha!  I kid ya, Dave!

3.  Denisha Mortel.  If you knew whose real name that was, you would effing freak.

4.  Blow off a Thai hooker’s ass crack.  Everybody talks about it, but nobody really commits to it.  It wasn’t all that.  There are plenty of more interesting things to do with an ass crack, if you ask me.  Kids, don’t do drugs.  I was young, and in Bangkok, and smashed on prescription painkillers, which don’t really count as drugs because a doctor gave them to me.  It’s all a blur, but I definitely know that I did it, because somewhere out there is an enterprising fellow whose name remains a secret who sends me a reminder every month like clockwork.  We have an arrangement.  Hey, buddy, I know you’re reading; keep up the good work!

5.  Something for poor people in Africa or Bosnia or somewhere.  It was very spiritual and humbling.  Somewhere in the Caribbean?  Anyway, if you Google search for that picture of me kissing a crying baby with flies on it while giving a thumbs up, that’s that place.  It probably says where it is in the caption of the picture.

6.  Flown a helicopter into a volcano while wrestling with a terrorist and towing my comrades to safety.  Technically this was actually my character doing it, and a stuntman did most of, well actually all of, the flying, but my movie roles are as real to me as any experience.  Also, I slayed a dragon once.

7.  Not a ladyboy while I was in Thailand.  That hooker I mentioned totally had girl-parts everywhere.  I checked several times, and I wasn’t too whacked out on Percocet to forget that.  So, no matter what you read on Pedro Hilton or DMZ or whatever, there were no she-males present in my hotel room at any time during any of my many trips to Thailand.

8.  Written an Oscar acceptance speech, which I have yet to actually deliver, but fingers crossed, fans!  (But seriously, can I say something, here?  I played a crippled guy who builds birdhouses for retarded kids using his teeth.  Okay?  What the hell does it TAKE with you Academy people?)

9.  Punched Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson square in the mouth.  Yeah, that’s right.  Just like you read about on your little gossip blogs.  I think he was making a pass at me, or at my girlfriend (which way does that guy swing?  Does ANYBODY know?), or something, or maybe he just wanted to get photographed with a real famous person, I don’t know.  I actually have no memory of this event, but the internet says it happened, so I just have to accept that sometimes I’m not going to remember important things like the birth of my child or the time I told Regis Philbin to “go screw a fuck with a shit”.  Kids, don’t do drugs.

10.  Sang a duet with Kenny Rogers at the Country Music Awards.  Yeah, I don’t know what I was doing there, either.  Being a celebrity is sort of like being senile.  You literally have no idea what you’re doing a good 85% of the time.  Tonight I’m going out with Robert Downey, Jr., Mandy Moore and Kevin Sorbo, and we’re going to get pizza and then play laser tag.  I have NO IDEA WHY.  I don’t even remember meeting these people to make this arrangement.  I just found something scrawled on the back of a laundry receipt, so now I have to go do this.  Wait, was Kevin Sorbo in that Hercules show?  What the hell, man?

Clarification

I fear that my little piece of idiotic satire may have confused those of you who don’t read news as compulsively as I do.

France has banned the burqa from public areas.  The law is just about ready for the president to sign.  This is textbook religious and gender discrimination, and I am disgusted.

As for the Snazzy Napper, I’m not certain that France actually knows that exists.

"Somebody Keeps Killing My Baby" by The Investigation--A Vox Rescue Post

Another three-chord gem in the style of Joey and pals.

——-

Somebody Keeps Killing My Baby

Jessica
Sweet, sweet Jessica.
Someone
Really made a mess a ya.

Nicole
Pretty, pretty Nicole.
Someone
Hung you from a flagpole.

(Chorus)
Somebody keeps killing my baby.
I hope that someday maybe, maybe
They’ll stop killing my baby.
I don’t like it.
Somebody keeps killing my baby.
I hope that someday, maybe, maybe
They’ll stop killing my baby.
I don’t like it.

Darlene
Darlin little Darlene.
Someone
Really wrecked your scene.

Abigail
Cute, cute Abigail.
Another one.
It never fails.

(Chorus)

(Bridge)
Every time I kiss a girl
She soon leaves this world.
I’m tossing in my bed.
Got visions through my head:
My baby, and she’s dead.

Georgette
Sexy, sexy Georgette.
Someone
Hit you with a Corvette.

Kylie
Crazy, crazy Kylie
You didn’t
Deserve to die-eee.

(Chorus)
(Repeate to fade)

"Ceti Alpha V (Love Song)" by The Investigation--A Vox Rescue Post

This is a sweet acoutsic ballad in the style of Fountains of Wane.

——-

 

Ceti Alpha V (Love Song)

 

My beloved,

Think nothing of it.

This coldness you may feel from me from time to time.

Do not be fazed

If my voice, raised,

Accuses you of some inconsequential crime.

 

On any other world, you’d be my girl and I your man,

And that is all we’d ever need to understand.

But things have changed, my dear,

Since we were stranded here,

And every day is just a struggle to survive…

Because this is Ceti Alpha V.

 

So please be near me,

And do not fear me

When my dark temper takes control when things go wrong.

I’d never hurt you

Or desert you.

I need you now, girl, more than ever, to be strong.

 

On any other world, you’d be my girl and I your man,

And that is all we’d ever need to understand.

Until a better day

I keep my love at bay.

You need my mind and not my heart to stay alive.

Because this is Ceti Alpha V.

 

(Bridge)

I want us both to grow old…

I want us both to grow old…

I want us both to grow old…

Because revenge is a dish best served cold.

 

On any other world, you’d be my girl and I your man,

And that is all we’d ever need to understand.

So do not run and hide.

Please stand here at my side

And we will have that better life for which we strive.

But for now…

This is Ceti Alpha V.

"Miskatonic Hop" by The Investigation--A Vox Rescue Post

This one’s a Ramones throwback.

——-

Miskatonic Hop

 

(First Verse)

Oh, no,
I think I read the wrong book!
I just
Wanted to take a look.

Now there’s something crawling on the ceiling.
My nerves are shattered, and my mind is reeling.

(Chorus)

Miskatonic Hop!
I was just curious.
Miskatonic Hop!
But now it’s serious.

Miskatonic Hop!

I’ve freaked my mind out
‘Cause I’ve learned a thing that no man should ever find out…

(Second Verse)

I flipped
Through the Necronomicon.
Now a
Large part of my mind is gone.

Look! There’s a tentacle coming ‘round the corner!
My days are numbered; I know that I’m a goner.

(Chorus)

(Bridge)

Cosmic Horror!

Cosmic Horror!

Cosmic Horror!

Cosmic Horror!

One-Two-Three-Four!
Gnash your teeth and hit the floor!

Five-Six-Seven-Eight!
Scream for mercy; it’s too late!

Nine-Ten-Eleven-Twelve!
Dancing in your padded cell!

(Chorus)

(Third Verse)

Now I’m
In the sanitarium.

My friends
Don’t visit ‘cause I’m scaring ‘em.

Ranting and raging about an ancient crime,
Malevolent creatures, and the end of time.

(Chorus)

Cosmic Horror!

Cosmic Horror!

Cosmic Horror!

(I’ve learned a thing that no man should ever find out.)

Cosmic Horror!

(I’ve learned a thing that no man should ever find out.)

(repeat to fade)

"Mall Punk Girl" by The Investigation--A Vox Rescue Post

I have an imaginary band, like most cool people.  Mine is called The Investigation, and they are a punk/surf/pop outfit that does songs about science fiction, horror and other things.  Over on Vox, I used to post lyrics to some of these songs.

Note: these songs do not, in any sense of the word, actually “exist.”

This first one is a straight-up power-pop song, with cheery guitars, harmonizing and keyboards.  Maybe a hand-clap or two.  There’s not any science fiction in this one, or any horror unless you count pedophilia.

——-

Mall Punk Girl (Fifteen)

(Verse One)

Well, she’s at the Hot Topic, ooh, and how my eyes linger.

Wears her studded belt low, just like a gun-slinger.

Spiderweb stockings, Converse and that short skirt.
Never heard a Misfits song, but she rocks the shirt.

She…
Knows how to pose.

And she…
Knows how to sneer.

And she…
Knows what to show.

And she…
Never comes near.

(Chorus)

She’s a mall punk girl
And I see her every day.
She’s my mall punk girl
But she always walks away.
Just a mall punk girl
And she’s just the perfect girl for me…

Except she’s only fifteen.

(Verse Two)

She’s smoking, and cursing, and acting all grown up,

But she wasn’t even born when my favorite band broke up.

It ought to be illegal, the things that she’s wearing.
And it’s probably illegal, the way that I’m staring.

She…
Knows how to dance.

And she…
Knows how to skate.

And she…
Loves her tight pants.

And she…
Knows she’s jailbait.

(Chorus)

She’s a mall punk girl
And I see her every day.
She’s my mall punk girl
But she always walks away.
Just a mall punk girl
And she’s just the perfect girl for me…

Too bad she’s only fifteen.

(Instrumental bridge thingy/guitar solo)

(Verse Three)

I’ll never get to touch her, and it’s probably for the best.

Every time I see her, it puts my strength to the test.

She makes me want to do things that I know just aren’t right,
And I dream about her body every single night.

She…
Knows how to strut.

And she…
Knows how to sass.

And she…
Dresses like a slut.

And she…
Has a nice ass.

(Chrorus)

She’s a mall punk girl
|And I see her every day.
She’s my mall punk girl
But she always walks away.
Just a mall punk girl
And she’d be the perfect girl for me…

If she wasn’t only fifteen.