alohabetty replied to your post: Sometimes I Lament My Lack of Breasts

Wow. I don’t know how to feel about this. I always like Jill’s cleavage shot, but… I dunno. Maybe I’m more gay than I thought.

Hey, ladies!  Heterosexuality got you down?  Tired of the endless, exhausting bother of being sexually attracted to men?  Then I have the answer for you!

Just stare at the outline of my sexual genitalia for five minutes a day, and in two weeks, you will find yourself freed from your heterosexual cage, free to fly on your new-born lesbian wings!

Money-back guarantee if you are not fully satisfied with my package.

Sometimes I Lament My Lack of Breasts

I wish I could partake in these “show your boobs/cleavage” trends that spring up around here from time to time, but I can’t.  However, I can post a pic of my package, and that’s almost as good.

BOOM:

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It’s time for the ladies to stop having all of the goods-sharing fun around here, guys.  Don’t be self-conscious; let your junk fly proud.

Don’t leave me hanging (literally).

You Can't Hide

There was a guy in my store yesterday with his wife, and they were looking at deco items and rugs, and the guy kept talking about how a witch’s hat candle holder was so “cute”, and then he had all of these comments about color matching with the rugs, and he seemed far more interested in this stuff than his wife.

Naturally, I immediately accused him of being a closeted homosexual, just as any reasonable person would have.  He took offense.  I responded, “Prove you’re straight, right now, by not taking me into the bathroom and not engaging in vigorous sodomy with me until we’re both too exhausted to even pull up our pants.”

Needless to say, he utterly failed this challenge, because I really know how to sniff out those incognito fruits wherever I find them.  I swear, sometimes, I feel like I’m the only person standing up against the gay agenda and shouting, “Hey, faggots!  Are you too busy brainwashing our kids to come over here and put your penises in my mouth?”

I’m a real hero.

TV Badasses #7-8

7.  Ham Tyler (Michael Ironside)—V

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Who He Is: An ex-CIA freedom fighter against the Visitors, weapons expert and all-around hard case.

Why He’s a Badass: I haven’t watched anything V-related (including the new series) since it all aired originally, but still, years later, Ham Tyler sticks out in my mind, and not whoever Marc Singer played, as the real hero of the series.  I’ve always preferred Han Solo to Luke Skywalker, like most right-thinking people.  So, I don’t specifically remember anything he did, and I’m not going to do the research to find out.  But I remember, and that’s good enough.

Badass Moment:  I think I already mentioned that I don’t remember anything specifically about Ham Tyler’s actions.

How Did He Go Out?  According to Wikipedia, he never did on the show, but odds are if he did go out, it while handing somebody their still-beating heart.

Badass Dialog: “Faith is for nuns and amateurs.”

8.  Vic Mackey (Michael Chiklis)—The Shield

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Who He Is: Head of the “Strike Force”, a special unit of anti-gang cops in Los Angeles.  Crooked cop, family man, thug, philanderer, cop-killer…Mackey’s a complicated guy, who always believes that his methods, no matter how brutal or line-crossing, serve a greater purpose.

Why He’s a Badass:  See that photo up there?  It’s typical of most people’s first meeting with Vic Mackey.  In the pilot, if I remember correctly, he was chasing a perp who nimbly scaled a fence.  Mackey bulldozed straight through it, because that’s the way he gets shit done.

Badass Moment:  Mackey, alone in a room with a child-napper who won’t give up the location of a girl.  Mackey needs only himself and a copy of the yellow pages to get the information.

How Does He Go Out?  Mackey’s dubious deeds finally catch up with him, and he winds up serving out the rest of his career behind a desk, emasculated and powerless.

Badass Dialog: “One of your crew so much as hard-looks my guy, my reach will get you shivved.”

Take a Moment to Reflect upon the AMAZING Cast of BUCKAROO BANZAI

Peter Weller
Ellen Barkin
Christopher Lloyd
John Lithgow
Clancy Brown
Jeff Goldblum
Vincent Schiavelli
Dan Hedaya
Jonathon Banks
Matt Clark
And fucking Jamie Lee Curtis in a deleted intro.

I’m leaving out some bit parts you might not give a shit about, like Billy Vera and John Ashton.  (Also, tragically, Yakov Smirnoff.)

This movie is like reading a who’s who of mid-80’s stars and character actors.  If you watch only one movie from this decade, you could do worse than making that one movie The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai across the 8th Dimension.  In fact, throw The Big Chill on afterwards and you will have learned everything you need to know to have an informed discussion of 1980’s acting talent.

(And Jeff Goldblum is in both of them, perhaps making him THE ACTOR OF THE 80’S.)

In Case Anybody out there Isn't Pissed Off Already...

…I think Robert DeNiro is a not particularly great actor who was lucky enough to befriend one of this country’s greatest living directors when he was young and hungry.

…I thing Firefly was a television show with a great premise (a Western…in space!) that got bogged down in production design that was often too on-the-nose, out-of-place “folksy” dialogue that often seemed like self-parody, and a childishly leering approach to sexuality that often made me feel like I was watching Star Trek: Voyager.  Nathan Fillion was, and is, bad to the bone, however, and most of the rest of the cast of characters all deserved a better show to shine in.

…odds are, I hate your favorite band.

…in retrospect, the 4th Indiana Jones movie wasn’t really that bad for latter-day Lucas.

…oh, and Dollhouse also sucked syphillitic dick by the truckload.

…there is no way that so many of the women on Tumblr could possible want to fuck Colin Firth.  Is it just because he played Mr. Darcy?  Because that was 15 years ago.  He is duller than the Dalai Lama’s Twitter page. (This was a two-for-one.)

"Never Forget"

Just a little bit ago, I tweeted this:

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It got a few retweets.  Most people understood where I was coming from.  One follower sent me a DM asking if I “really believed that”.

Yes.  Yes, I do.  Very much so.

First of all, of course I could “never forget” 9/11.  I watched it happen on live television.  It was only nine years ago.  But what most people really mean when they say, “Never forget,” is, “Never forgive.  Never heal.  Never stop being afraid.  Never stop hating.”

9/11 was a brutal act, perpetrated by ignorant, hateful men.  It will long stand as one of the evillest events of the modern world, and I say that as somebody who doesn’t even particularly believe in a black-and-white, good vs. evil world.  However, I refuse to live in the same emotional state I was in on that day, which is what a large portion of the “Never Forget” crowd wants.  They want you to live every day with an open, furious, confused, terrified wound on your soul, and they want that to guide the way that you perceive the world, the way you vote, and the way you respond to the actions of people who wallow in bloodshed and profit.

But, perhaps there’s a different thing you should never forget.  Maybe you should never forget the way that you, and the country, were on 9/10, because nobody, and I mean nobody, not a terrorist, not your neighbor, and not the government has the right to change, or demand that you change, who you are, fundamentally, as a person.  For awhile, the phrase “pre-9/11 mindset” was an arrogant insult conservatives used to paint liberals as childish Polyannas, blind to or willfully ignorant of the modern dangers of the world.  Anybody who didn’t whole-heartedly rally behind the impulsive rush to war was branded with this phrase.

Well, I still have a “pre-9/11 mindset”.  I am still the same person I was on 9/10.  Just as kind, compassionate, selfish, optimistic, disappointed, friendly and distant as I was on that day.  I see no reason to let a ragtag group of murderous fanatics shape what sort of person I am.  Nobody should.

So, this is the anniversary of 9/11, and this is the last word I’m going to say about it, because I’m still living my life, I’ve got shit to do, and I’m afraid I won’t be joining in the constant one-upping of the previous person’s grief.

Never forget, indeed, but it’s okay to let that wound scab over a bit.  It’s the grown-up thing to do.