The Lazy Cartoonist #1

The Lazy Cartoonist is a comic strip that features no art, because I am too lazy to draw it.  However, anybody is free to submit the art to go along with my scripts at any time, and I will post the completed strip in a future installment.  Collaboration, bitches!

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Panel One

(Man 1 and Man 2 are talking.)

Man 1: Do you like marshmallows?

Man 2: (enthusiastically) Do I like marshmallows?

Panel Two

Man 2: I love them!  I take handfuls of them and just rub them up and down my penis for hours!

Panel Three

Man 1: Okay, whoa, I was just going to ask you if you wanted to come over tonight and roast some marshmallows with us.

Man 2: (panicked)  ROAST THEM?  Are you out of your mind?

Panel Four

(Man 2 is staring intensely at Man 1.)

Panel Five

Man 2: You’ll burn your dick!

Panel Six

(Man 2 is looking at Man 1 as though he is an idiot, with his finger pointed to his own head.)

Man 2: HellllOOOOOooooo!

Stella

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This is Stella, my dog.  She is not the smartest dog in the world, although she is occasionally capable of astonishing feats of intelligence, however few and far between they may be.  Unfortunately:

  • She eats out of the garbage.
  • She barks at the mailman, because it’s in the Dog Manual that she was issued at birth.
  • She sleeps on and drools on the microfiber sofa while we’re away.
  • She is shaggy and smelly and sheds constantly.
  • She has to poop approximately 15 thousand times a day.

However!  She is the sweetest and friendliest dog I have ever known.  Everybody she meets she immediately wants to make friends with, except for the mailman, and she’d make friends with him, too, if only we invited him in once in awhile.  When I briefly lived in the country, Stella made friends with a goat and a duck that lived next door, and was always over by the fence in the back yard making out with them.  She scares little kids all the time, because she’s this big, rambunctious mess of hair and saliva bounding over to meet them, her tail wagging, her ears flapping.  Because of this, she is the most awesome dog ever, and I don’t care if your dog knows a bunch of tricks, or can bring your slippers to you, or can herd sheep or whatever.

Because your dog isn’t as awesome as my dog.  She doesn’t even know you, and she already loves you.

Morrissey Is a Moron and a Douchebag

I doubt if anybody can really take issue with the title of this post.  Does anybody really think Morrissey is worth a shit beyond the various closeted middle-aged men who still adore him?

Recently, he was complaining in a magazine about the animal-rights situation in China, and took the opportunity to denigrate an entire race of people while doing it.

Listen up, Morrissey, you goddamn fucking moron:

It’s great that you love animals so fucking much.  Good for you.  You’re a better person than all of us meat-eating barbarians.  However, loving animals doesn’t give you the right to dehumanize a sizable chunk of the Earth’s population just because you don’t agree with their animal-rights culture.

Word up, Morrissey: IT’S A DIFFERENT CULTURE.  They have different attitudes about animals over there.  They’re not some effete motherfucker living in the trendy part of London who gets to mouth off to magazines for a living.  More to the point, I would wager that there are PLENTY of Chinese people who are just as horrified at the treatment of animals in their country, and hey, guess what: THE CHINESE GOVERNMENT DOESN’T REALLY GIVE A SHIT ABOUT HUMANS, EITHER.  But that last bit is outside your area of interest, of course, because you can only be bothered to bitch and moan about the treatment of living creatures when they are fuzzy and have adorable little eyes, and OH! WHO’S A WIDDLE SNOOGUMS?  YOU’RE A WIDDLE SNOOGY-WOOGUMS!

You are the worst kind of animal-lover, Morrissey, because you think that loving them gives you the right to treat anybody who doesn’t, in your eyes, love them as much as you do as something less than human.  Nobody is less than human, Morrissey…except possibly those who would denigrate a whole, diverse culture of people to make a cheap political point.  Except maybe people who would do THAT, Morrissey.

You’re fat, moronic and your music is for self-absorbed hipster emo dipshits who never learned how to masturbate in private.

Fuck you.