Tales of BLOGTRONIC: Kurt Russell (Part 4)

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“You take it outside, boys!” growled Hector.  “It’s bad enough you got all queer in my stockroom.”  I hadn’t known Hector long enough to become an expert on the wide range of his emotions, but I suspected that his feelings had been hurt, because he was crushing a billiard ball in one of his giant paws.

“Yeah, I’ll take it outside, Hector.”  I pointed at Kurt.  “By which I mean your heart, outside of your body!”

Kurt sneered.  “I’m gonna pull off all your limbs and stick ‘em in the wrong sockets.”

“I’m gonna make your face look like a roadmap of Bloodville, USA!”

“Yeah, well, you’re gonna look like a topographical map of the Asskicked Mountains.”

“When this is finished, I’m going to challenge you to a game of Scrabble, except you won’t be able to play because you’ll be dead!”

“That’s real funny.  I’ll be laughing while I’m fuckin’ your sister.”

This really got me steamed.  “That’s my job!”  I quickly turned to the onlookers.  “Since robots don’t have any genetic code, incest isn’t really a taboo with us, in case you were wondering.  Plus, I don’t really have a sister.  But if I did, we would totally bang and it would be fine and perfectly legal.”

I turned back to Kurt Russell.  We looked into each other’s eyes, and the gaze burned with the fiery heat of a shredded Satan taco.  “This is gonna be finger lickin’ good!” snarled Kurt.  “What I’ll be licking is your blood,” he clarified.

“What, you mean liquid coolant, or motor oil?  Kinda toxic, Russell.  I don’t think you really thought that one through.”

“Sorry.  It’s been a long time since I had a stare-down like this.  Most guys piss themselves by now.  I forgot what a hard-ass you are.”  He looked kind of embarrassed.  “You know, to tell the truth, I don’t even really remember why I want to kill you.”

I accessed my hard-drive, and there it was, plain as day…

Bustin’ McChops came out of the crowd and tried to do an impression of a flashback, but he didn’t do a very good job.  He sort of waved his arms around and made a whoosh noise while seeming like he was drunk.  “Flashback commence!” he shouted.

TO BE CONTINUED.

I Thought About...

aerissa:

sogoddamn:

…posting a photo of myself on the toilet and declaring it “Toilet Tuesday”, so I could then sit back and ogle all the pics of the lovely ladies of Tumblr posing on the commode, but then I came to my senses: nobody else would participate, and the end result would only be that there was a photo of me out there sitting on the toilet for future employers to stumble across.

Yet another great plan ruined by fucking reality.

aerissa:  So that idea’s in the toilet then? You weren’t bowled over by it?  Figured it was a shitty idea?  Bet trashing it put you in a pissy mood. 

Bad puns and bathroom humour.  Up next, fart jokes.

See, this is why I need a chaperone.  Or an editor.  Or a leash. 

We’re in love now.

I Thought About...

…posting a photo of myself on the toilet and declaring it “Toilet Tuesday”, so I could then sit back and ogle all the pics of the lovely ladies of Tumblr posing on the commode, but then I came to my senses: nobody else would participate, and the end result would only be that there was a photo of me out there sitting on the toilet for future employers to stumble across.

Yet another great plan ruined by fucking reality.

This place needs to rock harder.  I’ve noticed that the musical taste of your average Tumblrist tends to run to the, well, hipster/pantywaist end of the spectrum.  No offense, guys, like what you like, just don’t be so goddamn afraid of some wailing guitar and space time-sorcerer imagery.

This is the title song off of The Sword’s new album.  Music by The Sword.  Lyrics by the ghost of Ronnie James Dio.