Danzkids

Internet, I present to you the new LOLcat: the danzkid.

How does one make a danzkid? It is very simple. You simply grab an image of a child character from an 80's film and superimpose a Danzig-era Misfits lyric upon it.

Why?

WHY?

Why does anybody do anything on the Internet? I believe that the danzkid is poised to become the next big Interthing. It's pointless, pop-culturally wanky and is also ripe with pretentious fartsiness if you're doing it right.

For examples, see here:

Danzkid1
And here:

Danzkid2
And also here:

Danzkid3
This is what the hipster Internet kids are going to be doing next week everybody!

"Oh, you're still putting captions on cats? Yeah...I was really into that for, like, a minute back in 2009."

Jump on the danzkid train!

Things I Hate--An Infinity-Part Series

I hate the "word" "chillax".

It's a portmanteau that combines two other words that already mean the same thing. "Relax" means, "to take it easy," whereas "chill" means, "to relax". "Chillaxing" is not a more extreme version of "relaxing", just a stupider one.

It would be like trying to communicate how attractive a woman is by combining "hot" and "sexy" into "hoxy". We can all agree that would be totally dumbtarded, right?

Please stop using this word, America.

Gay? No Way! (Not with This Guy, Anyway)

I visited my friend Mike in Eugene the other day, as I mentioned in an earlier post. Whenever the two of us are visiting, we do things as friends: go to movies, go out to eat, swing by the grocery store really quick for food, etc. It never fails that when this happens, people assume that we are a couple. Seriously. This is not homophobic paranoia, trust me. Neither Mike nor myself particularly gives a shit if people think we're gay, but people do, and this is a source of constanct amusement to us.

Mike is clean, mild-mannered, and well-groomed. I am not "femmy" my any stretch, but I am admittedly not the most masculine person in the world. I understand where the misapprehension comes from, and on the one hand, I'm pleased to say that we have never been treated poorly by somebody because they thought we were "together". In fact, people tend to be pretty polite, even in the redneckiest areas of the Eugene/Springfield area: ya gotta love Oregon.

But, at times, it's just frustrating, as it was during this visit. We went to Wal-Mart to get some cheap food supplies for breakfast, and Mike had his 1-year old boy with him, who he was pushing in a stroller. He is a bi-racial baby, and Mike and I are both about as white as you can get. So, here's two guys pushing a bi-racial baby through Wal-Mart, and a woman who worked there smiled and said, "That's a pretty little baby you guys have there!" You guys, like it was our baby: a bi-racial baby who we had obviouly adopted to complete our family unit.

What amused and sort of irritated me about this situation is that it's apparently more acceptable for the denizens of Wal-Mart for us to be a gay couple who adopted than for the baby to be the product of Mike's interracial marriage. You know? The gay thing is the first, and somehow less offensive, deduction.

So, congratulations, gays! It's now officially easier for you in this country than it is for straight non-whites! 

Celebrate

Terrorshame

That feeling you get when you're reading a silly post that's been up for a little bit, and you realize that you utterly brain-farted the name of a band that you were trying sound all clever about, and you realize that you must fix it NOW before ONE MORE PERSON reads it.

Also, the sinking feeling that maybe you returned a DVD case to your parents with a teenybopper-themed porn disc in it, which has totally never happend to me ever.

FYI

The original chorus to the song "Pumped Up Kicks" by Foster the People was:

All the other kids, with the pumped up kicks, you'd better run, better run, or you're gonna get raped.
All the other kids, with the pumped up kicks, you'd better run, better run, outrun my cock.

However, at the last second before recording, the lyrics were changed because everybody realized that jokes about rape are never funny

And now you know the rest of the story.

Meme Roster for Posterous

One of the things I'll miss just so, so terribly about Tumblr is that every day over there has some stupid theme associated with it that there is tremendou peer pressure to participate in. Sexy Sex Thursdays, or Truthful Tuesdays, or random, "Hey, everybody, show your butts to strangers" days that people declare whenever they feel like it.

Boy! That sure is fun. Sure gonna miss that aspect of my Tumblr dashboard, yep.

In an attempt to make Posterous just as friggin' fun as Tumblr, here are some ideas for some theme days.

SUNDAY: Scumday! Tell us about the scummiest things you've ever done! Did you steal your grandma's Social Security checks to buy meth? Did you pleasure yourself while watching nubile middle schoolers undressing in a window across the street? Haha, go ahead and tell the Internet about it. It's all in good fun!

MONDAY: Morbid Monday! Contemplate the empty eternity that is death. How does it make you feel to know that you will not live forever? Post about this. FUN!

TUESDAY: Tossin' Tuesday! Just go right ahead and masturbate in front of the whole Internet. It's what you're metaphorically doing with all of these memes and theme days anyway, so you might as well stop pretending.

WEDNESDAY: Willem DaWednesday! Pics, images, gifs, and Penthouse Forum letters about Willem Dafoe!. In my estimation, he doesn't get enough Internet love, what with Johnny Depp and Christopher Walken stealing it all. This is a completely legitimate and not at all idiotic thing to do on Wednesday.

THURSDAY: Thufferin' Thuccotash Thursday! Post a vid or audio post of you...lisping! Haha! This will never stop being hilarious, even after you've done it twenty times!

FRIDAY: Furious Friday! Who pisses you off on the Internet? Call them out and tell them exactly how much they infuriate you. Yeah, burn some fucking bridges! Internet drama happens all the time; it might as well have its own day.

SATURDAY: Insatiable Saturday! Apparently, people on social networks are really horny and nobody's getting enough sex. Why not whine about it in a long, needy post? That'll be fun, right? No better people to air your sexual frustrations to than virtual strangers that live in the magic box on your desk, after all.

Whew!

There you go, Posterous. I thought long and hard about these (seriously, at least, like, ten seconds of thought went into every one), and I think everybody will agree that they will improve the Posterous experience considerably. They might even convince some Tumblr people to flee that sinking ship and come someplace where everything works.