Don't Be Angry Because You Didn't Think of It First

If I'm going to be dying, which is looking more and more like a reality I have to start getting confortable with (the scary thing is exactly how so fucking comfortable I am with it already), I guess it's about time that I got started on that one searing, heart-rending work of stupefying beauty that will seal my posthumous reputation as one of the most gifted writers of the 21st century.

With that in mind, I'll grant you a sneak peak in the form of a premise and a title.

It's about a former professional escort and her best friend, and they solve mysteries as newly-minted private detectives. They are also shemales.

The title: Dicks with Dicks.

This shit is gonna make me immortal.

Mesquite is for Whites

Bus

This is a mural ad I saw on the side of a bus this morning. It's for a resort and spa in the nearby town of Mesquite, Nevada, because SLCers need to go play somewhere, right?

There are some peculiar things about this ad, which I will now point out to you:

  • Everybody is white, first of all. Even though this town is lousy with Mexicans and Asians and Pacific Islanders, those ethnic groups can just go to hell as far as this bus is concerned.
  • Take a look at the two guys, one playing golf, one shooting skeet. They have their hands up to their visors so that they can see where their shots went without sunglare getting in the way even though they're already wearing caps with visors on them for exactly that purpose.
  • The lady playing tennis looks uncannily like Sarah Palin.
  • Next to the lady singing (is she singing karaoke, or is the other lady enjoying her professional performance?  Beats the hell out of me) another lady is serving some fine alcoholic beverages like Corona. Wow, seriously, Golf or Spa Getaway in Mesquite, Nevada? Corona? Damn...that's some exotic shit worth going out of state for.
  • The lady in the bikini drove her Delorean in from 1985 just to come to this awesome spa getaway.
  • Check out that lobster: exactly the sort of fine cuisine I expect when I travel to a resort in a landlocked state.
  • Finally, in the right-most window (my apologies for this terrible phone-pic), there's a silly old guy just hanging out being "funny". That's all. He has no activities, no food, no drinks, nothing. They should show him working a slot machine, since that's what old people do in Nevada, but instead he's just standing there with his arms flailing all about, everybody's wacky, and hated, uncle.

If you're a middle-aged white person, Mesquite's got the Golf or Spa Getaway you're been craving. Bonus: no coloreds!

I've Got a Pretty Big Gathering Going on This Weekend, Too

All of my friends are coming in from literally every place ever, and we're going to party like maniacs in all the swankiest clubs in Imaginationtown all damn weekend long. So don't worry about me, I'll be sipping cocktails with centaurs while you're all hanging out with a bunch of boring people who actually exist.

YAWN.

I feel sorry for you all. I really do.

Top Five: Songs That My Mother Liked to a Nearly Pychopathic Degree in the 70's and 80's

1. Kim Carnes--"Bette Davis Eyes"

2. Alicia Bridges--"I Love the Nightlife"

3. The Village People--"In The Navy"

4. Joe Cocker and Jennifer Warnes--"Up Where We Belong"

5. Bette Midler--"Wind Beneath my Wings"

(Top Fives won't always be funny. Sometimes they're informative, and sometimes they're just about you sharing my pain.)

Another Perplexing Riddle Posed by Garfield and Friends

Save

Okay, I admit it: I'm enjoying the Random Garfield Generator more than I should.

The mystery to be solved here, of course, is why are Garfield's "hands" in Odie's mouth, and why does Jon look so pleased? Is Garfield fishing the aforementioned mouse from the slobbery dog's disgusting mouth? Why is the cat so shocked? Was he just digging around in Odie's mouth, as he does regularly, when he found a mouse in there? Or was he brandishing his conquest for Jon's approval when Odie inexplicably ate it, "hands" and all?

Some seriously strange goings-on in this seemingly normal suburban household.

It's a Tradition

2

Putting photos of girls on the toilet on my blogs is something I tend to do to weed out the Sensitive Sues who might be offended by future posts, although you have to admit, this is a pretty chaste girl-on-toilet pic. She's not even peeing or anything.

Now that that's out of the way, I promise it won't happen again any time soon. But you never know when something like this will happen, and that's sort of the point, isn't it?