The Fake Celebrity: Top Ten--A Vox Rescue Post

Media_httpmediatumblr_dagzn

Here’s ten things I’ve done that you probably haven’t.

——-

1.  Guest-starred on three different Law & Order series and two CSIs.

2.  Been sneezed on by David Letterman during a commercial break.  Dave, I love ya, but that was one of the “Top Ten Most Disgusting Moments of My Life”.  Ha-ha!  I kid ya, Dave!

3.  Denisha Mortel.  If you knew whose real name that was, you would effing freak.

4.  Blow off a Thai hooker’s ass crack.  Everybody talks about it, but nobody really commits to it.  It wasn’t all that.  There are plenty of more interesting things to do with an ass crack, if you ask me.  Kids, don’t do drugs.  I was young, and in Bangkok, and smashed on prescription painkillers, which don’t really count as drugs because a doctor gave them to me.  It’s all a blur, but I definitely know that I did it, because somewhere out there is an enterprising fellow whose name remains a secret who sends me a reminder every month like clockwork.  We have an arrangement.  Hey, buddy, I know you’re reading; keep up the good work!

5.  Something for poor people in Africa or Bosnia or somewhere.  It was very spiritual and humbling.  Somewhere in the Caribbean?  Anyway, if you Google search for that picture of me kissing a crying baby with flies on it while giving a thumbs up, that’s that place.  It probably says where it is in the caption of the picture.

6.  Flown a helicopter into a volcano while wrestling with a terrorist and towing my comrades to safety.  Technically this was actually my character doing it, and a stuntman did most of, well actually all of, the flying, but my movie roles are as real to me as any experience.  Also, I slayed a dragon once.

7.  Not a ladyboy while I was in Thailand.  That hooker I mentioned totally had girl-parts everywhere.  I checked several times, and I wasn’t too whacked out on Percocet to forget that.  So, no matter what you read on Pedro Hilton or DMZ or whatever, there were no she-males present in my hotel room at any time during any of my many trips to Thailand.

8.  Written an Oscar acceptance speech, which I have yet to actually deliver, but fingers crossed, fans!  (But seriously, can I say something, here?  I played a crippled guy who builds birdhouses for retarded kids using his teeth.  Okay?  What the hell does it TAKE with you Academy people?)

9.  Punched Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson square in the mouth.  Yeah, that’s right.  Just like you read about on your little gossip blogs.  I think he was making a pass at me, or at my girlfriend (which way does that guy swing?  Does ANYBODY know?), or something, or maybe he just wanted to get photographed with a real famous person, I don’t know.  I actually have no memory of this event, but the internet says it happened, so I just have to accept that sometimes I’m not going to remember important things like the birth of my child or the time I told Regis Philbin to “go screw a fuck with a shit”.  Kids, don’t do drugs.

10.  Sang a duet with Kenny Rogers at the Country Music Awards.  Yeah, I don’t know what I was doing there, either.  Being a celebrity is sort of like being senile.  You literally have no idea what you’re doing a good 85% of the time.  Tonight I’m going out with Robert Downey, Jr., Mandy Moore and Kevin Sorbo, and we’re going to get pizza and then play laser tag.  I have NO IDEA WHY.  I don’t even remember meeting these people to make this arrangement.  I just found something scrawled on the back of a laundry receipt, so now I have to go do this.  Wait, was Kevin Sorbo in that Hercules show?  What the hell, man?