The Fake Celebrity: My Penis Is Totally Larger Than That--A Vox Rescue Post
Okay. You read the title, yes? Okay. That was a terrible photo. Those paparazzi always like to get you at your worst, you know, stumbling out of a nightclub with coke smeared all over your face or punching an underage hooker in an alley, just to name a couple random hypothetical situations that I have never been involved with. But this! This is such an invasion of privacy!
Can’t a fellow lift weights in the nude on the balcony of a hotel without SOMEBODY with a telephoto lens snapping pics of his junk? How was I supposed to know that I was within eyesight of another human being? I just wanted to lift some weights, outside. In the nude.
So, like, I had just got out of the shower, and it was sort of chilly outside, sort of overcast and stuff, and we all know what cold does to certain parts of the male anatomy, yes? Plus, I think they were using some sort of penis-shrinking lens. Seriously! Those sites, you know, TMJ and Gomez Hilton and stuff, they are developing the technology. Plus, I think they Photoshop and airbrush those pics sometimes: to make us look terrible! I can’t prove it, but I’m certain that it really happens. One time on Gomez Hilton, they had a pic up of Lindsay Lohan with semen dripping out of her mouth, and it was SO obvious that somebody just sloppily drew that on in some primitive paint program. They didn’t even try to make it look real! Hey, good work, Gomez! You’re REALLY fooling everyone!
What I’m saying is, don’t believe everything you read, because maybe the folks at your favorite gossip blog, who are all without a doubt pedophiles who want to have sex with your children and then sell them to terrorists to have sex with, maybe took a penis from their large collection of digital child-penises and swapped it in for my healthy, all-American beef sausage log.
You know? THAT COULD HAPPEN.
Also, they rape sheep and shit on photographs of your mother baking apple pies.
See? Anybody can do this! This is the easiest job in the world! Now I’ll just paste in a photo of Gomez sucking five guys off next to a Dumpster! I probably won’t even have to fake it!
Umm, what else is going on? Hmm.
I guess that’s all. In summation: my penis is more than adequately sized. Ask any teenaged (legal!) female resident of North Springs, Wisconsin, where I stayed for 3 months in 2005 while filming Heaven in a Hat, a great little quirky small town film that got totally dissed at the Oscars that year. I played the magical claims adjuster, remember? With the bow tie, and the frogs? (I assume, if you are reading these posts, you are a huge fan and have seen all of my movies.)
That’s it for today. Remember to support Hollywood: see a movie!
