Kevipedia: The Beefeater

You ever look at something and think, “What is the fucking deal with that?”  Yeah, me too.  Here, then, is my explanation of some of the world’s more perplexing items, their histories laid out for you with no research on my part whatsoever.

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The Beefeater: What is up with them?  Why do they dress that way?  Where did they come from?  Why are they called “beefeaters”?  Very good questions, which I will now answer.

The origin of the beefeater lies in ancient Prussia.  This was back when countries were warring with each other all the time for no discernible reason.  Prussia was exactly like Russia, only with a “p” at the beginning because the Prussian army was notoriously pussy.  The King of Prussia wanted to butch his army up a bit, so he ordered that they would henceforth eat only meat.  Since the Prussian army was thousands strong, naturally this required a lot of meat, so the King made the fateful mistake of purchasing bulk beef from Crazy Oleg’s Discount Army Provisions Clearinghouse.

The beef, of course, was spoiled, and the cows had hoof-in-mouth in the first place, and it had a sickly green tinge to it and was just digusting.  Several loyal soldiers, following orders because they loved their King, grew gravely ill.  The majority of them died of diarrhea-related maladies.  However, there was one regiment in which nobody died.  Nobody even got sick.  In fact, the men in this regiment loved the tainted beef, and as the army shrunk due to death, the extra beef was shipped to this regiment.

Inured to the threat of death by eating rotten beef every day, these men became the most fearsome fighters in the army.  Over time, they became known as The Beef Eaters, and their legend spread far and wide across Europe and Asia.  People began to fear the Prussian army, and the “p” started to stand for things other than “pussy”: pride, power, and “puke, they’re eating rotten beef!”

This is all completely true.

But why do they dress like such nancy-boys, you may ask?  Well, the Prussian Army uniform was always a bit poncy, but as the Beef Eaters’ infamy grew, so did the fabulousness of their uniforms.  These are people who ate rancid beef three meals a day and washed it down with gin, are you going to make fun of their outfits?  I didn’t think so.

Oh, did I mention gin?  You may wonder why the beefeater is so closely associated with gin.  Gin, as you know, is crafted by distilling whatever the hell you can manage to scrape off the floor of a forest.  As it turned out, the flavor of all of those leaves and poisonous berries and squirrel shit was exactly the right compliment to the flavor of spoiled, maggot-infested beef.

So, to summarize: the beefeater was once a Prussian army soldier who subsisted on tainted beef and liquor made from a bear’s toilet, they dressed like policemen from Candyland, and they were the most psychopathic fighters the battlefield had ever seen.  How, then, did they evolve into a novelty figure out in front of fancy hotels and historical landmarks?  How did their function change from savage violence to dutiful door-holding?

The tourist industry.  They ruin everything.  Look what the Transylvania tourist board did to vampires.  It’s all very sad.

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