You Don't Need Drugs to Be This Weird

Here’s a fact that scandalizes and perplexes everybody I tell it to:

I have never been high.

There is a particular slice of our modern American culture that cannot even comprehend this.  Usual response: “Never?”  Like I’m going to think back and suddenly remember that one time I smoked marijuana at the ashram with Paul and Ringo.  No, I have never been high.  I have been drunk, certainly.  I have been wired on caffeine.  I’m not totally opposed to manipulating my mood with chemicals, I’ve just never done any of the illegal ones.

I can’t say why.  Just never got around to it.  Also, I don’t feel that I’ve missed anything.  I’m still strange.  I can still come up with weird shit.  I’m still lazy and have a crappy job.  I still have problems focusing.  When I need to unwind, I knock back half a six-pack and feel good about things.

Also, I sort of hate “pot culture”, with their pot leaves and their beanies and their sniggering every time somebody utters the name “Mary Jane”.  If these are the sort of people I can expect to be hanging out with, then no fucking thank you, Mr. Weed Pusher (I am aware of how square I am being right now).  Does being surrounded by an army of red-eyed Woody Harrelsons and Matthew McConaugheys sound appealing to you?  Because it sounds like fucking hell to me.  I like to hang with people who can hold coherent conversations about things other than free-range oxygen and the secret room in “the government” where they keep all the good shit, and how The Hobbit is really about weed and how Shaggy is a toker (no, he was just a square cartoonist’s idea of a 60’s teenager).  That shit just bores me to death.

So, yeah, you can just keep your pot and your glass pipes and your Saturday markets and your hacky-sacks.  I’ll be over here writing, posting oddball stuff, watching movies and understanding them all the way through.

On the other hand, I totally agree that there’s no practical reason why pot should be illegal.  I’m totally on board that “Legalize It” bus, guys.  Just please, for fuck’s sake, turn down the Bob Marley.