GUEST BLOGGER: A Pedophile Responds to the Taylor Swift Songbook: "Fifteen"
Hello. I am a pedophile. I am sexually attracted to children. To preserve my anonymity, I am using a photograph of Gene Wilder as Willy Wonka. I’m not suggesting that Gene Wilder is a pedophile, but Wonka might be. Did you see the way he looks at some of those kids? Exactly the way that I do.
Anyway, you didn’t come here to listen to me go on about kids, although I honestly could do it all day. You wanted to hear my take on the Taylor Swift song “Fifteen”, which is one of my favorites for reasons that should be obvious.
Here is a link to the music video: Taylor Swift is so cute, like a kitten.
It’s a song about how 15-year-old girls are naive and will believe anything a man tells them, and let me just say: yes, that is so true. Here’s a quick list of things I’ve said to 15-year-olds that they have totally swallowed:
- Of course I love you.
- I’ve never met a woman like you.
- You are so mature for your age.
- I’m usually not attracted to women so young.
- No, I’ll never share these pictures with anybody.
- I can put those wet clothes in the dryer for you if you like. You can wear some of these clothes I have in the closet. They…they belonged to my daughter…she’s dead now! (Fake crying.)
The song itself, outside of the theme of how fucking gullible 15-year-old girls are, is pretty good. Catchy chorus, nice lyrics and all that. I don’t have anything negative to say about it, and that Taylor Swift is so cute, just so slender and blonde and cute. I would totally kiss her, even though she’s a little old for me.
In summation: young girls are so easy to lie to, and Taylor Swift is a cutie. Sometimes, when I listen to her music (and I do…it’s important to stay on top of things that young people like when you’re a pedophile), I like to imagine she’s really the age she’s singing about. It heightens the experience, if you will.
Until next time, this is an anonymous pedophile from the Internet. Catch you next time…in my van! Haha, just kidding. They always come willingly. That’s why I’m so good at it.
