Kevin Analyzes Your Shopping Lists

Today, two people left shopping lists in the store I work in.  You can tell a lot about a person by their shopping lists.  For instance, in this list:

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there are two people making the list, one of which is a far worse speller than the other.  I will translate for you.  The entries in all caps belong to the lousy speller.

LAUNDRY SOAP (HE)
XXXXXX FABRIC SOFNER
Q-TIPS, DEODERANT
Baking soda
Shampoo, conditioner
Yogurt
MILK
WATER, SODA
Cereal
Cereal bowls
Fruit Roll Ups
PMS Maxi-Pads

First of all, “fabric sofner”?  SERIOUSLY?  And what is scratched out?  Did the person misspell “fabric”, realize it, then hideously fuck up “softener”?  We will never know.  Secondly, what does the (he) after “laundry soap” mean?  Is it “heavy duty” laundry soap?

The lister who is not a terrible speller is obviously a woman, and not just because she put maxi-pads and yogurt on there.  She also listed Fruit Roll-Ups, so we can assume that she is a mother.  Plus, she wrote down “cereal”, then apparently remembered that her shitty kids broke all the cereal bowls, necessitating the purchase of more cereal bowls.

The woman is very organized and on top of things.  The man is a lousy speller, of course, probably doesn’t have much in the way of education, and, since he wanted the laundry soap and fabric softener, we can deduce that he doesn’t have a job and does most of the chores around the house.  He probably also broke a few of those cereal bowls.

I predict hard times ahead for this family.

The next one stands out for one reason only:

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Sorry for the blurriness of my phone photos, but if you can see, this woman (yes, it’s a woman) is looking for a few items at Kohl’s, one of which is “Seth’s B-D”, by which I assume she means “Seth’s birthday present”.  What sort of person just wanders around in a Kohl’s until she finds something that will work as a birthday present?  A harried mother, or more likely, a harried aunt.  Whoever Seth is, he’s probably a child, and he probably isn’t this woman’s.  I would hope that her own children would rate above a quick afternoon visit to Kohl’s, but what do I know?  Maybe Seth is her slacker brother-in-law who she can barely tolerate, who’s always sleeping on her sofa when he gets kicked out of his wife’s house (see above) for being unemployed and barely literate.

This conclude’s today’s session.