FAIQ (Frequently Asked Imaginary Questions)
Here is a feature I used to do way back when I was pretending to be a robot named BLOGTRONIC on MySpace. Other people have a FAQ, but I do a FAIQ, because who has time to wait for the questions to pile up, right?
So here are some of the questions I’ve been pretending that people ask me all the time:
——-
Hello Kevin! Longtime reader, first-time asker. So…are you REALLY that into shemales?
Either I really am, or it’s a running gag that I use to test whether people are really paying attention. Either way, I’m sure we can all agree that I am spicing up some dashboards which would otherwise have the same black and white erotic photos of chicks kissing over and over again.
And what about the pee thing? You talk about that all the time on Twitter, and you post pics here sometime, and I don’t know if it’s maybe a joke like the shemales maybe are, and—
I guess I’m just a bundle of mysteries and half-truths, and you’ll just have to ask yourself if somebody would really bother going on at length about a sexual fetish that does not personally turn his crank.
After bagging on Scott Pilgrim vs. The World for months, you saw it and suddenly you like it and think it’s a good movie! You are a flip-flopper, sir! People shouldn’t change their minds about stuff! They should be like George Bush and believe the same thing all the time despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary!
Just as I have been frequently disappointed by a film I was anticipating, sometimes I wind up really liking a movie I had no interest in seeing and that had a lousy ad campaign that painted it as a non-stop parade of lousy video-game junkie bullshit and “Internet humor”. When Lolcat: The Movie comes out, odds are I will shit on that premise as well until it changes my mind.
I am curious to know your opinion of Ellen Wong, the girl who plays Knives Chau in the film we were just discussing.
My opinion is that she should live in a suitcase under my bed. I would take very good care of her and make sure that she is fed, and I would pick up after her and remember to walk and play with her and everything!
Dude, that’s really sick and creepy. Knives Chau is seventeen!
The actress Ellen Wong is 25, so kindly go to hell, and besides, I never said I would be taking her out of the suitcase to do anything sexual with her. I would just lovingly bathe her and collect locks of her hair, and assist her when she needed to urinate. There’s nothing creepy about any of that.
There very much IS something creep about all of that.
Please present your comments in the form of a question.
What do you think about the actress Anna Kendrick, who played Scott’s sister Stacey?
She is an attractive young woman.
What about Mary Elizabeth Winstead, who played—
Which one of us is being creepy about all the Scott Pilgrim ladies, you or me? Yes, many of them are eminently fuckable! Next question!
What about Kieran Culkin, who plays Scott’s gay roommate Wallace?
He was very funny in the role, but I am not attracted to him.
Not even a little bit?
No.
But, you make jokes on your blog about being gay sometimes, and—
Remember that thing about me being all mysterious and half-truthy from a few questions back?
What about Chris Evans, who plays—
Look, do you have any questions that aren’t about SCOTT PILGRIM or my sexual interests?
Umm…
Well?
Not really.
Then I guess this FAIQ is over.
*sigh*…Fine.
Chris Evans is get-in-my-pants hot.
