Hungry Like Kevin http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com Most recent posts at Hungry Like Kevin posterous.com Sun, 19 Jun 2011 10:24:00 -0700 Sentence-a-Day 6-19-11 http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/sentence-a-day-6-19-11 http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/sentence-a-day-6-19-11

     "What's the deal with that, anyway? I thought those guys never aged."

     Hemper smiled. "He was 73 when he was turned...he's been a retiree for over 600 years."

Permalink | Leave a comment  »

]]>
http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/983943/TemplePic.jpg http://posterous.com/users/he614WNGNdpNw Kevin Stone hungrylikekevin Kevin Stone
Sun, 19 Jun 2011 09:52:00 -0700 Another Father's Day Is Here.... http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/another-fathers-day-is-here http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/another-fathers-day-is-here

...and, big surprise, I find myself once again without a gift.

Thanks for nothing, Stella.

Nocookie

Bad dog!

No cookie!

Permalink | Leave a comment  »

]]>
http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/983943/TemplePic.jpg http://posterous.com/users/he614WNGNdpNw Kevin Stone hungrylikekevin Kevin Stone
Sat, 18 Jun 2011 07:49:00 -0700 Sentence-a-Day 6-18-11 http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/sentence-a-day-6-18-11 http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/sentence-a-day-6-18-11

“As many times as necessary until he learns to behave, I guess. And he’s not an asshole, just an old man who’s set in his ways.”

Permalink | Leave a comment  »

]]>
http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/983943/TemplePic.jpg http://posterous.com/users/he614WNGNdpNw Kevin Stone hungrylikekevin Kevin Stone
Fri, 17 Jun 2011 20:01:00 -0700 Sentence-a-Day 6-17-11 http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/sentence-a-day-6-17-11 http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/sentence-a-day-6-17-11

From the dash came a sleazy snicker. “Again? How many times you gonna Van Helsing that asshole?”

Permalink | Leave a comment  »

]]>
http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/983943/TemplePic.jpg http://posterous.com/users/he614WNGNdpNw Kevin Stone hungrylikekevin Kevin Stone
Fri, 17 Jun 2011 12:06:00 -0700 You Know What Sucks? http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/you-know-what-sucks http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/you-know-what-sucks

Being separated by somebody you really care about by around 80 bucks worth of gas.

Which country to we need to invade next so that I don't have to spend myself broke to see my ladyfriend?

Permalink | Leave a comment  »

]]>
http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/983943/TemplePic.jpg http://posterous.com/users/he614WNGNdpNw Kevin Stone hungrylikekevin Kevin Stone
Fri, 17 Jun 2011 09:21:00 -0700 The Sanctity of Life Is a Sliding Scale http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/the-sanctity-of-life-is-a-sliding-scale http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/the-sanctity-of-life-is-a-sliding-scale

The other day, there was a spider in the shower, and it was black and a little larger than normal. I panicked and washed it down the drain, after which I felt sort of guilty about it. The spider was just chilling in the shower, after all. It wasn't waiting there with malevolent intent. Odds are it had wandered in there and didn't even know how to wander out; therefore, it couldn't really be faulted for being in there at all. Most times, I try to escort spiders outside when I discover them, but I was naked and feeling vulnerable, so this one had to die. I know it's just a spider, but I don't really like what that incident says about me, necessarily. It says that when it's inconvenient for me to do the right thing, my emotional reaction will reign supreme and I will act selfishly. Nobody likes having ugly aspects of themselves revealed by an act as seemingly trivial as killing a spider, least of all me.

Today, I get into the shower again, only to find four ants crawling around in there. Without a second thought, or even one thought, for that matter, it was, "Time for you sonsabitches to take a swim!" and I spend a good two-three minutes dutifully sending them all to their watery graves. I don't feel the least bit sorry for those three-segmented jerks.

So, if you want were curious about where my basic respect for life ended, it's with ants. If ants come into my house, they die. No amnesty, no second chance: one strike and you are out, ants.

Also: spiders who are larger than, say, a hamburger. Death is certain, my giant eight-legged chums.

Permalink | Leave a comment  »

]]>
http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/983943/TemplePic.jpg http://posterous.com/users/he614WNGNdpNw Kevin Stone hungrylikekevin Kevin Stone
Thu, 16 Jun 2011 19:27:17 -0700 Upon His Deathbed, He Whispered the Single Word, "Hormel," and Slipped into Merciful Oblivion http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/57473175 http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/57473175

If I ever had occasion to show a Victorian time-traveler around the 21st century, I wouldn't try to blow his mind with iPods, personal computers, smartphones and the like. As an educated, tech-savvy gentleman of the 19th century, nothing of that nature would be outside of his ability to extrapolate from existing technology.

I would instead escort him straight to a supermarket and show him this:

Precooked-bacon2
Packaged, pre-cooked bacon.

"My God, sir!" he would exclaim. "Such wonders your world contains!"

He would then return to his own time and destroy the infernal time machine with an axe so that no other man would be stricken with the knowledge of such future miracles. "'Twould have been preferable to have never tasted Hormel Precooked Bacon," he would write in his diay, "than to be forever haunted by its memory."

Permalink | Leave a comment  »

]]>
http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/983943/TemplePic.jpg http://posterous.com/users/he614WNGNdpNw Kevin Stone hungrylikekevin Kevin Stone
Thu, 16 Jun 2011 08:40:00 -0700 Sentence-a-Day 6-16-11 http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/sentence-a-day-6-16-11 http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/sentence-a-day-6-16-11

Choking down the final mouthful of his quickie burger, Hemper got on the squawk and buzzed Lumps: “Hey, word of warning, Igor: clear off a slab for the night, I’m bringing in Victor cold.”

Permalink | Leave a comment  »

]]>
http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/983943/TemplePic.jpg http://posterous.com/users/he614WNGNdpNw Kevin Stone hungrylikekevin Kevin Stone
Wed, 15 Jun 2011 20:38:00 -0700 Quick Impression for You http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/quick-impression-for-you http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/quick-impression-for-you

Mattress_ad
That was every Tempur-Pedic commercial ever.

Permalink | Leave a comment  »

]]>
http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/983943/TemplePic.jpg http://posterous.com/users/he614WNGNdpNw Kevin Stone hungrylikekevin Kevin Stone
Wed, 15 Jun 2011 17:23:00 -0700 Truer Words Were Never Printed on an Image of a Bust of Plato http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/truer-words-were-never-printed-on-an-image-of http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/truer-words-were-never-printed-on-an-image-of

Platoquote
Sometimes, man...sometimes, you come across some wisdom, and you're like, "Damn! That's some serious wisdom! I'd better slap those words on an image of the person who said them and put it on the Internets, like, stat!" (I assume that you are a retarded medical doctor in this hypothetical situation.)

Anyway, since I am incapable of coming up with wise words of my own, obviously, I present these words to you, spoken ages ago by an old Greek guy. Let them guide you in times of darkness, like a bottle of magical Elvish sunshine.

Permalink | Leave a comment  »

]]>
http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/983943/TemplePic.jpg http://posterous.com/users/he614WNGNdpNw Kevin Stone hungrylikekevin Kevin Stone
Wed, 15 Jun 2011 16:36:00 -0700 An Open Letter to The Airborne Toxic Event http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/an-open-letter-to-the-airborne-toxic-event http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/an-open-letter-to-the-airborne-toxic-event

I don't think you guys really thought things through when you christened your band. When I first heard the name, I assumed you were some sort of hippie jam band, like The String Cheese Incident, or Uncle Jethro's Psychedelic Flapjack (a name I just made up but you can't even tell, because hippies name themselves things like that). I saw you guys on Conan the other night and discovered that you not only are not a hippie jam band, but that you seem to be a legitimate band and not just a bunch of goofball jokers who you would expect to name themselves The Airborne Toxic Event.

There's no way to put this delicately, so I'm just going to say it: the name of your band sounds like a euphemism for a fart. Was that the plan? Naming your band after a bodily function might work fine when you're a bunch of slackers killing time in college after class, but you guys are releasing singles and going on talk shows now, and the name of your group still sounds like a description of a particularly lethal dose of hot & spicy curry flatulence. Do you realize that if you are successful, you could be recording for years under that name? You guys are all in your 20's now, I assume, but if things go good for you, you could realistically find yourself in your late 40's and playing in a band seemingly named after a fart.

In your 40's. In a band named after a fart.

Pretty short-sighted of you, The Airborne Toxic Event. With any luck, you guys will all go mad with fame, wind up hating eachother and break up, so you can bury this idiotic band name and we can all agree to never speak of it again.

Permalink | Leave a comment  »

]]>
http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/983943/TemplePic.jpg http://posterous.com/users/he614WNGNdpNw Kevin Stone hungrylikekevin Kevin Stone
Wed, 15 Jun 2011 08:54:00 -0700 Quote This http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/quote-this http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/quote-this

Permalink | Leave a comment  »

]]>
http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/983943/TemplePic.jpg http://posterous.com/users/he614WNGNdpNw Kevin Stone hungrylikekevin Kevin Stone
Wed, 15 Jun 2011 08:48:00 -0700 Further Wisdom from Dead People! http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/further-wisdom-from-dead-people http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/further-wisdom-from-dead-people

"I know it was you, Fredo. You broke my heart. YOU BROKE MY HEART."

--Ulysses S. Grant

-----

OMG totally true and applicable!

Permalink | Leave a comment  »

]]>
http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/983943/TemplePic.jpg http://posterous.com/users/he614WNGNdpNw Kevin Stone hungrylikekevin Kevin Stone
Wed, 15 Jun 2011 08:27:00 -0700 Quote Time! Everybody Loves Them Quotes! http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/quote-time-everybody-loves-them-quotes http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/quote-time-everybody-loves-them-quotes

"Journey with me into the mind of a maniac. Doomed to be a killer since I came out the nutsack."

--Albert Einstein

-----

100% verified by my imagination.

Permalink | Leave a comment  »

]]>
http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/983943/TemplePic.jpg http://posterous.com/users/he614WNGNdpNw Kevin Stone hungrylikekevin Kevin Stone
Wed, 15 Jun 2011 08:25:00 -0700 Sentence-a-Day 6-15-11 http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/sentence-a-day-6-15-11 http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/sentence-a-day-6-15-11

But rules were rules, and he’d been putting off this last errand all day.

Permalink | Leave a comment  »

]]>
http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/983943/TemplePic.jpg http://posterous.com/users/he614WNGNdpNw Kevin Stone hungrylikekevin Kevin Stone
Tue, 14 Jun 2011 19:40:00 -0700 Sentence-a-Day 6-14-11 http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/sentence-a-day-6-14-11 http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/sentence-a-day-6-14-11

I should be able to manage one sentence a day, right? From now until it's done.

-----

Hemper was exhausted, and the last thing he wanted to do before clocking out for the night was head down to the Grinder and kill Victor again.

Permalink | Leave a comment  »

]]>
http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/983943/TemplePic.jpg http://posterous.com/users/he614WNGNdpNw Kevin Stone hungrylikekevin Kevin Stone
Tue, 14 Jun 2011 15:08:00 -0700 This Is Why I Hate Most Memes http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/this-is-why-i-hate-most-memes http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/this-is-why-i-hate-most-memes

(Except for the ones I invent that nobody else participates in.)

There's a meme bouncing around right now that goes like this: hit the random article button at Wikipedia, and whatever comes up is the name of your genitals. Haha, right? Everybody's posting stuff like "Yangtze river" or "strike force" and other funny stuff. What did I wind up with?

1965 All England Open Badminton Championships.

Hey! Where's my funny penis nickname? Then I realized something: most people are cheating, just hitting the random button until something funny comes up, which really defeats the entire purpose of the meme. And really, isn't that what everybody does when a meme like this rolls around? Just fake it to make it, right? That's what the Internet is all about. If you're gonna do that, you might as well just make something up.

In that spirit, I'd like to announce my new totally legitimate Wikipedia random article penis name:

Godzilla Vs. Mechagodzilla.

Please use this name when referring to my penis from now on (it comes up in your personal conversations all the time, I'm sure), since it was totally accurately named by Wikipedia with no assistance from myself whatsoever.

Permalink | Leave a comment  »

]]>
http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/983943/TemplePic.jpg http://posterous.com/users/he614WNGNdpNw Kevin Stone hungrylikekevin Kevin Stone
Tue, 14 Jun 2011 12:50:00 -0700 Well, Okay, Then http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/well-okay-then http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/well-okay-then

I just received this email, obviously in response to the phone call I got this morning:

Dear Kevin Stone,

 

Thank you for contacting Network Solutions Customer Service Department. We are committed to creating the best Customer experience possible. One of the first ways we can demonstrate our commitment to this goal is to quickly and efficiently handle your recent request.

 

Based on your request, we are removing your name from the Network Solutions E-Mail and Call Lists.

Of course, I never really "contacted the Network Solutions Customer Service Department". I just told their sales guy to never call my house again. But still, kudos to them for taking the hint, even though they never should have had me on that list the first place. I guess they're not total creeps. Still, though, I wish companies would get something through their heads: when customers don't buy extra services from you, it's not because they didn't know about them, or because you weren't being pushy enough with your sales pitch. It's because that's exactly what they intended to do. I don't need hosting; I don't need hungrylikekevins dot-biz through dot-xxx. I purchased exactly the domain that I needed, and nothing more. Just like when somebody goes into a 7-11 and buys a Heath bar, you don't try to sell them a 24-pack of Hamm's on top of it.

Okay?

You need to understand this, American companies.

Anyway, thanks for taking me off your call list, Network Solutions. I promise not to say anything else bad about you (unless you screw up again).

Permalink | Leave a comment  »

]]>
http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/983943/TemplePic.jpg http://posterous.com/users/he614WNGNdpNw Kevin Stone hungrylikekevin Kevin Stone
Tue, 14 Jun 2011 12:07:00 -0700 Age, Digestion, Etc. http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/age-digestion-etc http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/age-digestion-etc

I am lucky enough to be one of those guys who is not aging particularly poorly, at least, externally. Here is a pic fresh from the bathroom:

Mirrorme
People tell me all the time that I don't look 40, and I'm starting to believe them. I still have a full head of hair, my face is not super wrinkly, and I still walk with fairly youthful pep (I give myself away, though, by using words such as "pep").

Internally, however, it's a whole different story. For instance, I can't eat chorizo sausage without taking a dump within the hour that smells like a tire fire. And I like chorizo sausage. I'm not going to stop eating it. Also, I can't drink caffeine past 6 or 7 in the evening, because it keeps me up all night, whereas I used to be able to play D&D all night long, swilling terrifying volumes of Coca-Cola the entire time, and drop right to sleep as soon as I was done. I also love spicy food, but my body apparently doesn't like it quite as much as I do, since I have a vague heartburny feeling in the evenings about four days out of seven.

This is all new to me. I don't want to be one of those sad old guys, sitting at Chili's with his friends, shaking his head while he peruses the menu because there's nothing on there that doesnt give him gas, heartburn or diarrhea (or perhaps all three). I still want to eat what I like to eat. I don't want to have to stick to an inflexible diet of white, flavorless gruel. I already gave up salt: that was easy.

Please don't make me give up flavor altogether. Okay, guts? We got a deal?

I need my flavor.

Permalink | Leave a comment  »

]]>
http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/983943/TemplePic.jpg http://posterous.com/users/he614WNGNdpNw Kevin Stone hungrylikekevin Kevin Stone
Tue, 14 Jun 2011 11:51:00 -0700 A Terrible Realization http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/a-terrible-realization http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/a-terrible-realization

My challenge to myself to avoid the big-time profanities for month and a half are going to make it really difficult for to to get further attention on the Internet, right when I'm actually trying to get further attention on the Internet.

Which kinda sucks, you know? Tumblr, especially (which is not where I prefer to be but where all the interaction really is), really rewards people for being obscene. Half the pages over there seem to include the phrase "f--- yeah" in their titles, and another 40% are porn blogs.

Is there room on the Internet for a funny guy who's just challenging himself to be funny without cursing so much? I wonder.

Hm.

I never said I wouldn't flash my penis, though. I always have that option.

Permalink | Leave a comment  »

]]>
http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/983943/TemplePic.jpg http://posterous.com/users/he614WNGNdpNw Kevin Stone hungrylikekevin Kevin Stone