Hungry Like Kevin http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com Most recent posts at Hungry Like Kevin posterous.com Fri, 17 Jun 2011 12:06:00 -0700 You Know What Sucks? http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/you-know-what-sucks http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/you-know-what-sucks

Being separated by somebody you really care about by around 80 bucks worth of gas.

Which country to we need to invade next so that I don't have to spend myself broke to see my ladyfriend?

Permalink | Leave a comment  »

]]>
http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/983943/TemplePic.jpg http://posterous.com/users/he614WNGNdpNw Kevin Stone hungrylikekevin Kevin Stone
Fri, 17 Jun 2011 09:21:00 -0700 The Sanctity of Life Is a Sliding Scale http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/the-sanctity-of-life-is-a-sliding-scale http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/the-sanctity-of-life-is-a-sliding-scale

The other day, there was a spider in the shower, and it was black and a little larger than normal. I panicked and washed it down the drain, after which I felt sort of guilty about it. The spider was just chilling in the shower, after all. It wasn't waiting there with malevolent intent. Odds are it had wandered in there and didn't even know how to wander out; therefore, it couldn't really be faulted for being in there at all. Most times, I try to escort spiders outside when I discover them, but I was naked and feeling vulnerable, so this one had to die. I know it's just a spider, but I don't really like what that incident says about me, necessarily. It says that when it's inconvenient for me to do the right thing, my emotional reaction will reign supreme and I will act selfishly. Nobody likes having ugly aspects of themselves revealed by an act as seemingly trivial as killing a spider, least of all me.

Today, I get into the shower again, only to find four ants crawling around in there. Without a second thought, or even one thought, for that matter, it was, "Time for you sonsabitches to take a swim!" and I spend a good two-three minutes dutifully sending them all to their watery graves. I don't feel the least bit sorry for those three-segmented jerks.

So, if you want were curious about where my basic respect for life ended, it's with ants. If ants come into my house, they die. No amnesty, no second chance: one strike and you are out, ants.

Also: spiders who are larger than, say, a hamburger. Death is certain, my giant eight-legged chums.

Permalink | Leave a comment  »

]]>
http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/983943/TemplePic.jpg http://posterous.com/users/he614WNGNdpNw Kevin Stone hungrylikekevin Kevin Stone
Tue, 14 Jun 2011 12:07:00 -0700 Age, Digestion, Etc. http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/age-digestion-etc http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/age-digestion-etc

I am lucky enough to be one of those guys who is not aging particularly poorly, at least, externally. Here is a pic fresh from the bathroom:

Mirrorme
People tell me all the time that I don't look 40, and I'm starting to believe them. I still have a full head of hair, my face is not super wrinkly, and I still walk with fairly youthful pep (I give myself away, though, by using words such as "pep").

Internally, however, it's a whole different story. For instance, I can't eat chorizo sausage without taking a dump within the hour that smells like a tire fire. And I like chorizo sausage. I'm not going to stop eating it. Also, I can't drink caffeine past 6 or 7 in the evening, because it keeps me up all night, whereas I used to be able to play D&D all night long, swilling terrifying volumes of Coca-Cola the entire time, and drop right to sleep as soon as I was done. I also love spicy food, but my body apparently doesn't like it quite as much as I do, since I have a vague heartburny feeling in the evenings about four days out of seven.

This is all new to me. I don't want to be one of those sad old guys, sitting at Chili's with his friends, shaking his head while he peruses the menu because there's nothing on there that doesnt give him gas, heartburn or diarrhea (or perhaps all three). I still want to eat what I like to eat. I don't want to have to stick to an inflexible diet of white, flavorless gruel. I already gave up salt: that was easy.

Please don't make me give up flavor altogether. Okay, guts? We got a deal?

I need my flavor.

Permalink | Leave a comment  »

]]>
http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/983943/TemplePic.jpg http://posterous.com/users/he614WNGNdpNw Kevin Stone hungrylikekevin Kevin Stone
Mon, 13 Jun 2011 18:05:00 -0700 Living Dead Dreams http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/living-dead-dreams http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/living-dead-dreams

I've been having a few dreams lately about my friend who committed suicide last year. Like, I just happen to see him walking through a store, looking kempt, happy and thin, and I walk up to him and say, "Mike? Jesus, everybody told me you were dead!" and it's a nice, happy moment.

Every once in a great while I still have dreams about dead grandparents that work the same way. My dream self is thinking, "Wow, I thought grandpa died, but guess I was wrong, because here he is walking around in his house."

These dreams are comforting but, of course, ultimately heartbreaking, because eventually I'm going to wake up and realize, "Oh, yeah...those people are dead after all."

Still, it was nice to see Mike looking happy and confident, as he was before he descended into an inescapable spiral of depression and cynicism, even if it was only in my imagination.

When I heard that he'd killed himself, I wasn't even shocked. That's a sad comment upon a life, when news of a friend's suicide doesn't even phase you because it seems like the inevitable conclusion to his misery. Suicide should never be met with sad resignation.

Anyway. It was nice seeing you, dude.

Permalink | Leave a comment  »

]]>
http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/983943/TemplePic.jpg http://posterous.com/users/he614WNGNdpNw Kevin Stone hungrylikekevin Kevin Stone
Mon, 13 Jun 2011 14:43:00 -0700 Writer's Block, Sorta http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/writers-block-sorta http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/writers-block-sorta

Except it's really not. I have ideas for stories all the time. What I have is some sort of enthusiasm block. I start a story, and it just never goes anywhere. I think, in some way, blogging has had a detrimental effect on my writing, because I'm trained to pound out a couple paragraphs then immediately post them for instant feedback and validation. I've gotten impatient with anything that requires more than 5 minutes worth of effort.

And that's screwed up. What do some of you writers out there do? How do you manage to have a blog and still have enthusiasm for creating things that take a few weeks? I really need help with this. I started a story this morning and I have exactly one sentence written. I'm already depressed by how many more I need to write before it's done. I don't really see the point any more. I'm afraid that I'll never write anything of merit ever again.

Help.

Permalink | Leave a comment  »

]]>
http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/983943/TemplePic.jpg http://posterous.com/users/he614WNGNdpNw Kevin Stone hungrylikekevin Kevin Stone
Sat, 04 Jun 2011 11:11:00 -0700 Murder! http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/murder http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/murder

Left to her own devices, my mother will watch reality murder programming all day long, with the occasional detour into the land of Maury and Jerry. This morning, I decided I wasn't going to usher in the day with murder, so I picked up the remote to change the channel.

MOM: Did I tell you that you could touch the remote?

ME: It's too early for murder. [My mother never, ever, checks the movie channels. I do and find Beverly Hills Cop.]

MOM: [Angrily] I'm not watching stupid Beverly Hills Cop. It's "too early" for that! [Does a mocking imitation of Eddie Murpy's laugh.]

ME: Hey, look, The Great Muppet Caper!

MOM: The last thing I want is some dumb Muppet movie!

Eventually, I found a documentary about the Apollo missions.

MOM: And what makes you think I want to watch this?

ME: Hey, guess what? Some people died during the Apollo missions! Maybe they were murdered!

This seemed to placate her.

Permalink | Leave a comment  »

]]>
http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/983943/TemplePic.jpg http://posterous.com/users/he614WNGNdpNw Kevin Stone hungrylikekevin Kevin Stone
Fri, 03 Jun 2011 13:03:00 -0700 Every Time I Post Something Now... http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/every-time-i-post-something-now http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/every-time-i-post-something-now

...I find myself pausing to consider if two people I've never even met will disapprove of it, and that pisses me off. They've already made up their minds anyway, and I really don't care if anybody approves of me. I already have a ton of people who approve of me, and arguably the people who love me are the only people who matter.

So, yeah...it's their loss, really. I'm a pretty good person, regardless of who I choose not to worship, regardless of the fact that, yes, I enjoy sex, and regardless of whether or not they "get" my jokes.

I guess they have enough friends that they can afford to pre-judge people this way. I have friends who probably voted for McCain in the last presidential election, who have faith in Christ and who listen to appalling music. But they're still my friends, because I don't go around throwing people away when they disagree with me.

I think somebody had something to say about tolerance that they put in a book or something one time. I can't remember who it was right now, but it was something about casting stones. That guy was a smart dude in a lot of ways, don't you think?

Permalink | Leave a comment  »

]]>
http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/983943/TemplePic.jpg http://posterous.com/users/he614WNGNdpNw Kevin Stone hungrylikekevin Kevin Stone
Tue, 31 May 2011 09:15:00 -0700 Because I'm OLD http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/because-im-old http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/because-im-old

I may have just broken my toe while slowly walking up a flight of carpeted stairs. Coming up next: multiple fractures of the ulna suffered while washing my hair.

Stay tuned.

Permalink | Leave a comment  »

]]>
http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/983943/TemplePic.jpg http://posterous.com/users/he614WNGNdpNw Kevin Stone hungrylikekevin Kevin Stone
Sat, 28 May 2011 09:11:00 -0700 Pretty Girls Aren't Special http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/pretty-girls-arent-special http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/pretty-girls-arent-special

Three-pretty-girls
When I was young, I had this philosophy that can best be summed up as, "Pretty girls can do whatever they want." I thought that beauty was a rare, special quality, and that possessing it gave women some sort of super-power that lets them get away with anything. I was fine with this: I thought it was a right and proper thing.

25 years later, I now know that pretty girls are a dime a dozen. They are literally everywhere, and it doesn't take any special skill or strength of character to be one. It just takes a fortunate genetic alignment.

No matter how pretty you are, you'd better bring something else to the game if you want to play with me, because I'm not going to soft-pedal anything just because you're fun to look at.

On Tumblr as in life.

Permalink | Leave a comment  »

]]>
http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/983943/TemplePic.jpg http://posterous.com/users/he614WNGNdpNw Kevin Stone hungrylikekevin Kevin Stone
Fri, 27 May 2011 10:38:00 -0700 Gay? No Way! (Not with This Guy, Anyway) http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/gay-no-way-not-with-this-guy-anyway http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/gay-no-way-not-with-this-guy-anyway

I visited my friend Mike in Eugene the other day, as I mentioned in an earlier post. Whenever the two of us are visiting, we do things as friends: go to movies, go out to eat, swing by the grocery store really quick for food, etc. It never fails that when this happens, people assume that we are a couple. Seriously. This is not homophobic paranoia, trust me. Neither Mike nor myself particularly gives a shit if people think we're gay, but people do, and this is a source of constanct amusement to us.

Mike is clean, mild-mannered, and well-groomed. I am not "femmy" my any stretch, but I am admittedly not the most masculine person in the world. I understand where the misapprehension comes from, and on the one hand, I'm pleased to say that we have never been treated poorly by somebody because they thought we were "together". In fact, people tend to be pretty polite, even in the redneckiest areas of the Eugene/Springfield area: ya gotta love Oregon.

But, at times, it's just frustrating, as it was during this visit. We went to Wal-Mart to get some cheap food supplies for breakfast, and Mike had his 1-year old boy with him, who he was pushing in a stroller. He is a bi-racial baby, and Mike and I are both about as white as you can get. So, here's two guys pushing a bi-racial baby through Wal-Mart, and a woman who worked there smiled and said, "That's a pretty little baby you guys have there!" You guys, like it was our baby: a bi-racial baby who we had obviouly adopted to complete our family unit.

What amused and sort of irritated me about this situation is that it's apparently more acceptable for the denizens of Wal-Mart for us to be a gay couple who adopted than for the baby to be the product of Mike's interracial marriage. You know? The gay thing is the first, and somehow less offensive, deduction.

So, congratulations, gays! It's now officially easier for you in this country than it is for straight non-whites! 

Celebrate

Permalink | Leave a comment  »

]]>
http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/983943/TemplePic.jpg http://posterous.com/users/he614WNGNdpNw Kevin Stone hungrylikekevin Kevin Stone
Sun, 22 May 2011 11:53:00 -0700 Only in Oregon? http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/only-in-oregon http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/only-in-oregon

A sign standing sign on the walk outside of the mall that houses the Beaverton branch of Powell's Books reads thusly:

Warning! BIRD PROTECTING NEST ABOVE. Use caution! Bird tends to swoop down without warning!

This was a large, glossy sign that appeared to have been expensive to make. I love this part of the world.

Permalink | Leave a comment  »

]]>
http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/983943/TemplePic.jpg http://posterous.com/users/he614WNGNdpNw Kevin Stone hungrylikekevin Kevin Stone
Sun, 22 May 2011 10:25:00 -0700 Sometimes, You Need to Hear It http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/sometimes-you-need-to-hear-it http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/sometimes-you-need-to-hear-it

Chatting with a Utah friend last night. The following is a direct, unsolicited quote from him/her regarding the big breakup that motivated me to move back home:

By the way, I chose you in the divorce. Fuck [her] and that Eurotrash fuck.

That's friendship, right there.

Permalink | Leave a comment  »

]]>
http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/983943/TemplePic.jpg http://posterous.com/users/he614WNGNdpNw Kevin Stone hungrylikekevin Kevin Stone
Sun, 22 May 2011 10:12:00 -0700 Why I Like Her So Damn Much http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/why-i-like-her-so-damn-much http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/why-i-like-her-so-damn-much

Because she...

...thinks about things.

...makes me laugh.

...is cuter than a wet kitten.

...also likes me so damn much.

...knows things that I don't, and vice versa.

...indulges me.

...agrees on the important stuff.

Permalink | Leave a comment  »

]]>
http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/983943/TemplePic.jpg http://posterous.com/users/he614WNGNdpNw Kevin Stone hungrylikekevin Kevin Stone
Fri, 20 May 2011 13:28:52 -0700 Eegah! Fire Scare Thog! But Pretty Girl Soothe Thog's Wary Mind! Thog Buy Things from Her! http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/how-to-sell-to-me http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/how-to-sell-to-me

Blonde
The last four times I've gone into my bank, they have tried to sell me on this account upgrade and a virtually free credit report from all three agencies, and every time I've turned them down. Today, I went through with it, and now have a comprehensive (and scary) credit report. Why did I suddenly change my mind?

Easy: this time the person selling me was ridiculously cute. The photo above is not a photo of her, of course: it's just a random image I grabbed off the Internet. If anything, she was cuter than this, not just physically, but her whole attitude was just adorable as hell. She was so new in her job that she didn't even have business cards yet, and she sort of giggled at some of her flubs and was slightly nervous about the whole thing, possibly because she was unused to serving customers who possess such blistering sexual charisma (but probably just because she was new in her position).

And her last name, if I'm reading her handwriting correctly, is Hotya, which is maybe the best name ever for a cute blond woman.

Anyway, every time I think I'm some sort of "evolved gentleman" and above such things, along comes a pretty girl to remind me that I'm nothing more than a big, dumb male.

Permalink | Leave a comment  »

]]>
http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/983943/TemplePic.jpg http://posterous.com/users/he614WNGNdpNw Kevin Stone hungrylikekevin Kevin Stone
Mon, 16 May 2011 10:38:00 -0700 The Name Game http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/the-name-game http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/the-name-game

Most people on the Internet know me as Kevin Wolf, hence my twitter handle and Posterous blog name: Hungry Like Kevin. It's a Duran Duran joke. However, Wolf is merely the last name of my stepfather when I was in school. My name was never legally changed, hence my last name is actually "Stone".

Because of recent tightening of the ID laws in this country, this discrepancy caused me a lot of bureaucratic hassle recently. For awhile, I thought: "Cool. I have a private name and a 'professional' name." But it all got too confusing, so I'm officially coming out of the closet as Kevin Stone, and I'm slowly changing all of my on-line stuff to reflect that, but I'm not going to change my Twitter handle or Posterous blog title because I like those. They just won't be as clever now.

For awhile, I thought of going as Kevin Stone Wolf, and I must admit that combination still appeals to me on an aesthetic level if not a personal one (both last names can go to hell as far as I'm concerned, but it's too late in life for me to be coming up with new ones).

So, yeah, I'm Kevin Stone. Pleased to meet you.

Still the same boy you've always known.

Permalink | Leave a comment  »

]]>
http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/983943/TemplePic.jpg http://posterous.com/users/he614WNGNdpNw Kevin Stone hungrylikekevin Kevin Stone
Thu, 03 Feb 2011 16:00:00 -0800 Remember the Fish at the End of Faith No More's "Epic" Video? Yeah, Like That. http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/remember-the-fish-at-the-end-of-faith-no-more http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/remember-the-fish-at-the-end-of-faith-no-more

As I sit here, I can feel my heart thudding and fluttering in my chest. I have some sort of diastolic murmur or something, which the doctor says, "Always, 100% of the time, means something bad." I've concocted a visual representation of my murmuring heart. When I picture it, I see a perch flip-flopping on the bottom of my father's aluminum boat--terrified, suffocating--when I was a kid in grade school.

That's my heart: fighting for life in a hostile environment while stupid white people grin and congratulate themselves for murdering it.

I hated fishing, by the way, just in case that wasn't clear.

Permalink | Leave a comment  »

]]>
http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/983943/TemplePic.jpg http://posterous.com/users/he614WNGNdpNw Kevin Stone hungrylikekevin Kevin Stone
Thu, 03 Feb 2011 15:22:00 -0800 Don't Be Angry Because You Didn't Think of It First http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/dont-be-angry-because-you-didnt-think-of-it-f http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/dont-be-angry-because-you-didnt-think-of-it-f

If I'm going to be dying, which is looking more and more like a reality I have to start getting confortable with (the scary thing is exactly how so fucking comfortable I am with it already), I guess it's about time that I got started on that one searing, heart-rending work of stupefying beauty that will seal my posthumous reputation as one of the most gifted writers of the 21st century.

With that in mind, I'll grant you a sneak peak in the form of a premise and a title.

It's about a former professional escort and her best friend, and they solve mysteries as newly-minted private detectives. They are also shemales.

The title: Dicks with Dicks.

This shit is gonna make me immortal.

Permalink | Leave a comment  »

]]>
http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/983943/TemplePic.jpg http://posterous.com/users/he614WNGNdpNw Kevin Stone hungrylikekevin Kevin Stone
Thu, 03 Feb 2011 14:58:00 -0800 Die or Get off the Pot http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/die-or-get-off-the-pot http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/die-or-get-off-the-pot

My phone isn't working right now, so a friend got the call from the clinic that there's something unusual in my blood test results.

Something.

They don't have the authority to tell her what it is, and I'm still not capable of calling them back, so it looks like I just have to sit around for a couple days wondering what the hell is wrong with me now.

I'd much rather deal with something sudden and catastrophic than this fucking dying-by-inches.

Permalink | Leave a comment  »

]]>
http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/983943/TemplePic.jpg http://posterous.com/users/he614WNGNdpNw Kevin Stone hungrylikekevin Kevin Stone
Wed, 02 Feb 2011 17:29:00 -0800 Apt Description http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/apt-description http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/apt-description

My doctor described me today as something of a death-flirting extreme sports enthusiast, except instead of BASE jumping, I like to ride my fucked-up heart right up to the brink of disaster before I get it taken care of.

I do everything to the extreme, motherfuckers.

Permalink | Leave a comment  »

]]>
http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/983943/TemplePic.jpg http://posterous.com/users/he614WNGNdpNw Kevin Stone hungrylikekevin Kevin Stone
Tue, 01 Feb 2011 15:58:00 -0800 Pardon My Melodrama http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/pardon-my-melodrama http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/pardon-my-melodrama

I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow. I have not killed myself. It is very likely that I never will. However, it is a notion I will perhaps always entertain, somewhere in my mind; I'm an essentially unhappy person. It sucks, but there it is.

So let's just all go back to faking it, shall we?

Excellent.

TITS!

Permalink | Leave a comment  »

]]>
http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/983943/TemplePic.jpg http://posterous.com/users/he614WNGNdpNw Kevin Stone hungrylikekevin Kevin Stone