Hungry Like Kevin http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com Most recent posts at Hungry Like Kevin posterous.com Sun, 19 Jun 2011 09:52:00 -0700 Another Father's Day Is Here.... http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/another-fathers-day-is-here http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/another-fathers-day-is-here

...and, big surprise, I find myself once again without a gift.

Thanks for nothing, Stella.

Nocookie

Bad dog!

No cookie!

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http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/983943/TemplePic.jpg http://posterous.com/users/he614WNGNdpNw Kevin Stone hungrylikekevin Kevin Stone
Fri, 17 Jun 2011 09:21:00 -0700 The Sanctity of Life Is a Sliding Scale http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/the-sanctity-of-life-is-a-sliding-scale http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/the-sanctity-of-life-is-a-sliding-scale

The other day, there was a spider in the shower, and it was black and a little larger than normal. I panicked and washed it down the drain, after which I felt sort of guilty about it. The spider was just chilling in the shower, after all. It wasn't waiting there with malevolent intent. Odds are it had wandered in there and didn't even know how to wander out; therefore, it couldn't really be faulted for being in there at all. Most times, I try to escort spiders outside when I discover them, but I was naked and feeling vulnerable, so this one had to die. I know it's just a spider, but I don't really like what that incident says about me, necessarily. It says that when it's inconvenient for me to do the right thing, my emotional reaction will reign supreme and I will act selfishly. Nobody likes having ugly aspects of themselves revealed by an act as seemingly trivial as killing a spider, least of all me.

Today, I get into the shower again, only to find four ants crawling around in there. Without a second thought, or even one thought, for that matter, it was, "Time for you sonsabitches to take a swim!" and I spend a good two-three minutes dutifully sending them all to their watery graves. I don't feel the least bit sorry for those three-segmented jerks.

So, if you want were curious about where my basic respect for life ended, it's with ants. If ants come into my house, they die. No amnesty, no second chance: one strike and you are out, ants.

Also: spiders who are larger than, say, a hamburger. Death is certain, my giant eight-legged chums.

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http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/983943/TemplePic.jpg http://posterous.com/users/he614WNGNdpNw Kevin Stone hungrylikekevin Kevin Stone
Thu, 16 Jun 2011 19:27:17 -0700 Upon His Deathbed, He Whispered the Single Word, "Hormel," and Slipped into Merciful Oblivion http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/57473175 http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/57473175

If I ever had occasion to show a Victorian time-traveler around the 21st century, I wouldn't try to blow his mind with iPods, personal computers, smartphones and the like. As an educated, tech-savvy gentleman of the 19th century, nothing of that nature would be outside of his ability to extrapolate from existing technology.

I would instead escort him straight to a supermarket and show him this:

Precooked-bacon2
Packaged, pre-cooked bacon.

"My God, sir!" he would exclaim. "Such wonders your world contains!"

He would then return to his own time and destroy the infernal time machine with an axe so that no other man would be stricken with the knowledge of such future miracles. "'Twould have been preferable to have never tasted Hormel Precooked Bacon," he would write in his diay, "than to be forever haunted by its memory."

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http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/983943/TemplePic.jpg http://posterous.com/users/he614WNGNdpNw Kevin Stone hungrylikekevin Kevin Stone
Wed, 15 Jun 2011 17:23:00 -0700 Truer Words Were Never Printed on an Image of a Bust of Plato http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/truer-words-were-never-printed-on-an-image-of http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/truer-words-were-never-printed-on-an-image-of

Platoquote
Sometimes, man...sometimes, you come across some wisdom, and you're like, "Damn! That's some serious wisdom! I'd better slap those words on an image of the person who said them and put it on the Internets, like, stat!" (I assume that you are a retarded medical doctor in this hypothetical situation.)

Anyway, since I am incapable of coming up with wise words of my own, obviously, I present these words to you, spoken ages ago by an old Greek guy. Let them guide you in times of darkness, like a bottle of magical Elvish sunshine.

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http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/983943/TemplePic.jpg http://posterous.com/users/he614WNGNdpNw Kevin Stone hungrylikekevin Kevin Stone
Wed, 15 Jun 2011 16:36:00 -0700 An Open Letter to The Airborne Toxic Event http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/an-open-letter-to-the-airborne-toxic-event http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/an-open-letter-to-the-airborne-toxic-event

I don't think you guys really thought things through when you christened your band. When I first heard the name, I assumed you were some sort of hippie jam band, like The String Cheese Incident, or Uncle Jethro's Psychedelic Flapjack (a name I just made up but you can't even tell, because hippies name themselves things like that). I saw you guys on Conan the other night and discovered that you not only are not a hippie jam band, but that you seem to be a legitimate band and not just a bunch of goofball jokers who you would expect to name themselves The Airborne Toxic Event.

There's no way to put this delicately, so I'm just going to say it: the name of your band sounds like a euphemism for a fart. Was that the plan? Naming your band after a bodily function might work fine when you're a bunch of slackers killing time in college after class, but you guys are releasing singles and going on talk shows now, and the name of your group still sounds like a description of a particularly lethal dose of hot & spicy curry flatulence. Do you realize that if you are successful, you could be recording for years under that name? You guys are all in your 20's now, I assume, but if things go good for you, you could realistically find yourself in your late 40's and playing in a band seemingly named after a fart.

In your 40's. In a band named after a fart.

Pretty short-sighted of you, The Airborne Toxic Event. With any luck, you guys will all go mad with fame, wind up hating eachother and break up, so you can bury this idiotic band name and we can all agree to never speak of it again.

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http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/983943/TemplePic.jpg http://posterous.com/users/he614WNGNdpNw Kevin Stone hungrylikekevin Kevin Stone
Wed, 15 Jun 2011 08:27:00 -0700 Quote Time! Everybody Loves Them Quotes! http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/quote-time-everybody-loves-them-quotes http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/quote-time-everybody-loves-them-quotes

"Journey with me into the mind of a maniac. Doomed to be a killer since I came out the nutsack."

--Albert Einstein

-----

100% verified by my imagination.

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http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/983943/TemplePic.jpg http://posterous.com/users/he614WNGNdpNw Kevin Stone hungrylikekevin Kevin Stone
Tue, 14 Jun 2011 09:56:00 -0700 Have You Told Your Friends about THE WORD? http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/have-you-told-your-friends-about-the-word http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/have-you-told-your-friends-about-the-word

The Word of Kevin?

They might not even be aware of the Word.

Their immortal souls could be in peril.

You should probably go door-to-door, ask to see their personal computers, fire up their browser of choice and bookmark "http://hungrylikekevin.com".

And get a damn haircut...I don't want no hippies representing my Word.

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http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/983943/TemplePic.jpg http://posterous.com/users/he614WNGNdpNw Kevin Stone hungrylikekevin Kevin Stone
Sun, 12 Jun 2011 18:00:00 -0700 The New Idiocy http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/the-new-idiocy http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/the-new-idiocy

Harrisonpoints1
There's just the one image right now, but trust me: there'll be more soon enough. Feel free to submit, if you like. I think you can figure out the joke here. It ain't complicated.

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http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/983943/TemplePic.jpg http://posterous.com/users/he614WNGNdpNw Kevin Stone hungrylikekevin Kevin Stone
Wed, 01 Jun 2011 19:48:00 -0700 Fine, Michael Fassbender http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/fine-michael-fassbender http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/fine-michael-fassbender

Michael_fassbender
You win, okay? You just win. Fucking fine.

Jesus, first I see every cock on Tumblr and now this.

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http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/983943/TemplePic.jpg http://posterous.com/users/he614WNGNdpNw Kevin Stone hungrylikekevin Kevin Stone
Tue, 31 May 2011 15:38:00 -0700 So, Yeah, This Just Happened http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/so-yeah-this-just-happened http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/so-yeah-this-just-happened

This.

I have a problem. I know that.

I know.

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http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/983943/TemplePic.jpg http://posterous.com/users/he614WNGNdpNw Kevin Stone hungrylikekevin Kevin Stone
Tue, 31 May 2011 14:39:00 -0700 Untitled http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/55090625 http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/55090625

Danzkid4

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http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/983943/TemplePic.jpg http://posterous.com/users/he614WNGNdpNw Kevin Stone hungrylikekevin Kevin Stone
Mon, 30 May 2011 19:38:00 -0700 Danzkids http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/danzkids http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/danzkids

Internet, I present to you the new LOLcat: the danzkid.

How does one make a danzkid? It is very simple. You simply grab an image of a child character from an 80's film and superimpose a Danzig-era Misfits lyric upon it.

Why?

WHY?

Why does anybody do anything on the Internet? I believe that the danzkid is poised to become the next big Interthing. It's pointless, pop-culturally wanky and is also ripe with pretentious fartsiness if you're doing it right.

For examples, see here:

Danzkid1
And here:

Danzkid2
And also here:

Danzkid3
This is what the hipster Internet kids are going to be doing next week everybody!

"Oh, you're still putting captions on cats? Yeah...I was really into that for, like, a minute back in 2009."

Jump on the danzkid train!

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http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/983943/TemplePic.jpg http://posterous.com/users/he614WNGNdpNw Kevin Stone hungrylikekevin Kevin Stone
Mon, 30 May 2011 07:04:00 -0700 Untitled http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/54949701 http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/54949701

Predator_l
This Memorial Day, please take a moment to remember the shirts that have been sacrificed by our valiant military men for the service and protection of this nation and world from all enemies, be they foreign, internal, or interplanetary. These men are still out there, and they're cold, and their nipples are hard.

Thank you.

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http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/983943/TemplePic.jpg http://posterous.com/users/he614WNGNdpNw Kevin Stone hungrylikekevin Kevin Stone
Sat, 28 May 2011 11:02:00 -0700 Video Idea http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/video-idea http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/video-idea

A man sitting at a piano, lip-syncing "Changes" by Black Sabbath while slowly turning into a werewolf. Somebody should really do this, because I have neither a piano nor a make-up budget.

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http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/983943/TemplePic.jpg http://posterous.com/users/he614WNGNdpNw Kevin Stone hungrylikekevin Kevin Stone
Sat, 28 May 2011 09:30:00 -0700 Things I Hate--An Infinity-Part Series http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/things-i-hate-an-infinity-part-series http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/things-i-hate-an-infinity-part-series

I hate the "word" "chillax".

It's a portmanteau that combines two other words that already mean the same thing. "Relax" means, "to take it easy," whereas "chill" means, "to relax". "Chillaxing" is not a more extreme version of "relaxing", just a stupider one.

It would be like trying to communicate how attractive a woman is by combining "hot" and "sexy" into "hoxy". We can all agree that would be totally dumbtarded, right?

Please stop using this word, America.

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http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/983943/TemplePic.jpg http://posterous.com/users/he614WNGNdpNw Kevin Stone hungrylikekevin Kevin Stone
Fri, 27 May 2011 10:38:00 -0700 Gay? No Way! (Not with This Guy, Anyway) http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/gay-no-way-not-with-this-guy-anyway http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/gay-no-way-not-with-this-guy-anyway

I visited my friend Mike in Eugene the other day, as I mentioned in an earlier post. Whenever the two of us are visiting, we do things as friends: go to movies, go out to eat, swing by the grocery store really quick for food, etc. It never fails that when this happens, people assume that we are a couple. Seriously. This is not homophobic paranoia, trust me. Neither Mike nor myself particularly gives a shit if people think we're gay, but people do, and this is a source of constanct amusement to us.

Mike is clean, mild-mannered, and well-groomed. I am not "femmy" my any stretch, but I am admittedly not the most masculine person in the world. I understand where the misapprehension comes from, and on the one hand, I'm pleased to say that we have never been treated poorly by somebody because they thought we were "together". In fact, people tend to be pretty polite, even in the redneckiest areas of the Eugene/Springfield area: ya gotta love Oregon.

But, at times, it's just frustrating, as it was during this visit. We went to Wal-Mart to get some cheap food supplies for breakfast, and Mike had his 1-year old boy with him, who he was pushing in a stroller. He is a bi-racial baby, and Mike and I are both about as white as you can get. So, here's two guys pushing a bi-racial baby through Wal-Mart, and a woman who worked there smiled and said, "That's a pretty little baby you guys have there!" You guys, like it was our baby: a bi-racial baby who we had obviouly adopted to complete our family unit.

What amused and sort of irritated me about this situation is that it's apparently more acceptable for the denizens of Wal-Mart for us to be a gay couple who adopted than for the baby to be the product of Mike's interracial marriage. You know? The gay thing is the first, and somehow less offensive, deduction.

So, congratulations, gays! It's now officially easier for you in this country than it is for straight non-whites! 

Celebrate

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http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/983943/TemplePic.jpg http://posterous.com/users/he614WNGNdpNw Kevin Stone hungrylikekevin Kevin Stone
Mon, 16 May 2011 17:52:00 -0700 Untitled http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/53319284 http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/53319284

Willem

I challenge you to present a more enthusiastic celebrity endorsement of your blog, sir or madam.

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http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/983943/TemplePic.jpg http://posterous.com/users/he614WNGNdpNw Kevin Stone hungrylikekevin Kevin Stone
Mon, 16 May 2011 17:33:00 -0700 Terrorshame http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/terrorshame http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/terrorshame

That feeling you get when you're reading a silly post that's been up for a little bit, and you realize that you utterly brain-farted the name of a band that you were trying sound all clever about, and you realize that you must fix it NOW before ONE MORE PERSON reads it.

Also, the sinking feeling that maybe you returned a DVD case to your parents with a teenybopper-themed porn disc in it, which has totally never happend to me ever.

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http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/983943/TemplePic.jpg http://posterous.com/users/he614WNGNdpNw Kevin Stone hungrylikekevin Kevin Stone
Mon, 16 May 2011 15:19:00 -0700 FYI http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/fyi http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/fyi

The original chorus to the song "Pumped Up Kicks" by Foster the People was:

All the other kids, with the pumped up kicks, you'd better run, better run, or you're gonna get raped.
All the other kids, with the pumped up kicks, you'd better run, better run, outrun my cock.

However, at the last second before recording, the lyrics were changed because everybody realized that jokes about rape are never funny

And now you know the rest of the story.

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http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/983943/TemplePic.jpg http://posterous.com/users/he614WNGNdpNw Kevin Stone hungrylikekevin Kevin Stone
Sun, 15 May 2011 10:38:00 -0700 Meme Roster for Posterous http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/meme-roster-for-posterous http://hungrylikekevin.posterous.com/meme-roster-for-posterous

One of the things I'll miss just so, so terribly about Tumblr is that every day over there has some stupid theme associated with it that there is tremendou peer pressure to participate in. Sexy Sex Thursdays, or Truthful Tuesdays, or random, "Hey, everybody, show your butts to strangers" days that people declare whenever they feel like it.

Boy! That sure is fun. Sure gonna miss that aspect of my Tumblr dashboard, yep.

In an attempt to make Posterous just as friggin' fun as Tumblr, here are some ideas for some theme days.

SUNDAY: Scumday! Tell us about the scummiest things you've ever done! Did you steal your grandma's Social Security checks to buy meth? Did you pleasure yourself while watching nubile middle schoolers undressing in a window across the street? Haha, go ahead and tell the Internet about it. It's all in good fun!

MONDAY: Morbid Monday! Contemplate the empty eternity that is death. How does it make you feel to know that you will not live forever? Post about this. FUN!

TUESDAY: Tossin' Tuesday! Just go right ahead and masturbate in front of the whole Internet. It's what you're metaphorically doing with all of these memes and theme days anyway, so you might as well stop pretending.

WEDNESDAY: Willem DaWednesday! Pics, images, gifs, and Penthouse Forum letters about Willem Dafoe!. In my estimation, he doesn't get enough Internet love, what with Johnny Depp and Christopher Walken stealing it all. This is a completely legitimate and not at all idiotic thing to do on Wednesday.

THURSDAY: Thufferin' Thuccotash Thursday! Post a vid or audio post of you...lisping! Haha! This will never stop being hilarious, even after you've done it twenty times!

FRIDAY: Furious Friday! Who pisses you off on the Internet? Call them out and tell them exactly how much they infuriate you. Yeah, burn some fucking bridges! Internet drama happens all the time; it might as well have its own day.

SATURDAY: Insatiable Saturday! Apparently, people on social networks are really horny and nobody's getting enough sex. Why not whine about it in a long, needy post? That'll be fun, right? No better people to air your sexual frustrations to than virtual strangers that live in the magic box on your desk, after all.

Whew!

There you go, Posterous. I thought long and hard about these (seriously, at least, like, ten seconds of thought went into every one), and I think everybody will agree that they will improve the Posterous experience considerably. They might even convince some Tumblr people to flee that sinking ship and come someplace where everything works.

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