Terrorshame

That feeling you get when you're reading a silly post that's been up for a little bit, and you realize that you utterly brain-farted the name of a band that you were trying sound all clever about, and you realize that you must fix it NOW before ONE MORE PERSON reads it.

Also, the sinking feeling that maybe you returned a DVD case to your parents with a teenybopper-themed porn disc in it, which has totally never happend to me ever.

FYI

The original chorus to the song "Pumped Up Kicks" by Foster the People was:

All the other kids, with the pumped up kicks, you'd better run, better run, or you're gonna get raped.
All the other kids, with the pumped up kicks, you'd better run, better run, outrun my cock.

However, at the last second before recording, the lyrics were changed because everybody realized that jokes about rape are never funny

And now you know the rest of the story.

Meme Roster for Posterous

One of the things I'll miss just so, so terribly about Tumblr is that every day over there has some stupid theme associated with it that there is tremendou peer pressure to participate in. Sexy Sex Thursdays, or Truthful Tuesdays, or random, "Hey, everybody, show your butts to strangers" days that people declare whenever they feel like it.

Boy! That sure is fun. Sure gonna miss that aspect of my Tumblr dashboard, yep.

In an attempt to make Posterous just as friggin' fun as Tumblr, here are some ideas for some theme days.

SUNDAY: Scumday! Tell us about the scummiest things you've ever done! Did you steal your grandma's Social Security checks to buy meth? Did you pleasure yourself while watching nubile middle schoolers undressing in a window across the street? Haha, go ahead and tell the Internet about it. It's all in good fun!

MONDAY: Morbid Monday! Contemplate the empty eternity that is death. How does it make you feel to know that you will not live forever? Post about this. FUN!

TUESDAY: Tossin' Tuesday! Just go right ahead and masturbate in front of the whole Internet. It's what you're metaphorically doing with all of these memes and theme days anyway, so you might as well stop pretending.

WEDNESDAY: Willem DaWednesday! Pics, images, gifs, and Penthouse Forum letters about Willem Dafoe!. In my estimation, he doesn't get enough Internet love, what with Johnny Depp and Christopher Walken stealing it all. This is a completely legitimate and not at all idiotic thing to do on Wednesday.

THURSDAY: Thufferin' Thuccotash Thursday! Post a vid or audio post of you...lisping! Haha! This will never stop being hilarious, even after you've done it twenty times!

FRIDAY: Furious Friday! Who pisses you off on the Internet? Call them out and tell them exactly how much they infuriate you. Yeah, burn some fucking bridges! Internet drama happens all the time; it might as well have its own day.

SATURDAY: Insatiable Saturday! Apparently, people on social networks are really horny and nobody's getting enough sex. Why not whine about it in a long, needy post? That'll be fun, right? No better people to air your sexual frustrations to than virtual strangers that live in the magic box on your desk, after all.

Whew!

There you go, Posterous. I thought long and hard about these (seriously, at least, like, ten seconds of thought went into every one), and I think everybody will agree that they will improve the Posterous experience considerably. They might even convince some Tumblr people to flee that sinking ship and come someplace where everything works.

Top Five: Songs That My Mother Liked to a Nearly Pychopathic Degree in the 70's and 80's

1. Kim Carnes--"Bette Davis Eyes"

2. Alicia Bridges--"I Love the Nightlife"

3. The Village People--"In The Navy"

4. Joe Cocker and Jennifer Warnes--"Up Where We Belong"

5. Bette Midler--"Wind Beneath my Wings"

(Top Fives won't always be funny. Sometimes they're informative, and sometimes they're just about you sharing my pain.)

Top Five: Lines Least Likely to Be Delivered by Bruce Willis

1. "People, please! There must be some way that we can solve this dispute without violence!"

2. "I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't express yourself with such harsh language."

3. "Merry Christmas, movie house! Merry Christmas, Emporium! Merry Christmas, you wonderful old Building and Loan!"

4. "There's a right way to do things, and there's a wrong way. The right way is in this book: the NYPD code of conduct. Remember that, rookie. We don't make our own rules."

5. "I'm not a hero. I'm just a simple man who really, really, really likes having sex with men."