This Is Why I Hate Most Memes

(Except for the ones I invent that nobody else participates in.)

There's a meme bouncing around right now that goes like this: hit the random article button at Wikipedia, and whatever comes up is the name of your genitals. Haha, right? Everybody's posting stuff like "Yangtze river" or "strike force" and other funny stuff. What did I wind up with?

1965 All England Open Badminton Championships.

Hey! Where's my funny penis nickname? Then I realized something: most people are cheating, just hitting the random button until something funny comes up, which really defeats the entire purpose of the meme. And really, isn't that what everybody does when a meme like this rolls around? Just fake it to make it, right? That's what the Internet is all about. If you're gonna do that, you might as well just make something up.

In that spirit, I'd like to announce my new totally legitimate Wikipedia random article penis name:

Godzilla Vs. Mechagodzilla.

Please use this name when referring to my penis from now on (it comes up in your personal conversations all the time, I'm sure), since it was totally accurately named by Wikipedia with no assistance from myself whatsoever.

Well, Okay, Then

I just received this email, obviously in response to the phone call I got this morning:

Dear Kevin Stone,

 

Thank you for contacting Network Solutions Customer Service Department. We are committed to creating the best Customer experience possible. One of the first ways we can demonstrate our commitment to this goal is to quickly and efficiently handle your recent request.

 

Based on your request, we are removing your name from the Network Solutions E-Mail and Call Lists.

Of course, I never really "contacted the Network Solutions Customer Service Department". I just told their sales guy to never call my house again. But still, kudos to them for taking the hint, even though they never should have had me on that list the first place. I guess they're not total creeps. Still, though, I wish companies would get something through their heads: when customers don't buy extra services from you, it's not because they didn't know about them, or because you weren't being pushy enough with your sales pitch. It's because that's exactly what they intended to do. I don't need hosting; I don't need hungrylikekevins dot-biz through dot-xxx. I purchased exactly the domain that I needed, and nothing more. Just like when somebody goes into a 7-11 and buys a Heath bar, you don't try to sell them a 24-pack of Hamm's on top of it.

Okay?

You need to understand this, American companies.

Anyway, thanks for taking me off your call list, Network Solutions. I promise not to say anything else bad about you (unless you screw up again).

A Terrible Realization

My challenge to myself to avoid the big-time profanities for month and a half are going to make it really difficult for to to get further attention on the Internet, right when I'm actually trying to get further attention on the Internet.

Which kinda sucks, you know? Tumblr, especially (which is not where I prefer to be but where all the interaction really is), really rewards people for being obscene. Half the pages over there seem to include the phrase "f--- yeah" in their titles, and another 40% are porn blogs.

Is there room on the Internet for a funny guy who's just challenging himself to be funny without cursing so much? I wonder.

Hm.

I never said I wouldn't flash my penis, though. I always have that option.

Really, Network Solutions?

So, I registered a domain with Network Solutions the other day, as you know, and that may have been a mistake, because they just called me this morning, not five minutes ago. "Hello, Kevin," the guy said, "I'm calling regarding your domain, hungrylikekevin.com? I noticed you didn't purchase the hosting, and I wondered why, was it a price consideration, or--"

"I have hosting somewhere else," I responded, already getting pissed that these people called me at home, which is a betrayal of the Unspoken Internet Commerce Agreement, which is that all business will be performed via the INTERNET. I unclicked the thing that said, "Please send me special offers" when I completed my order because I didn't want a ton of spam from Network Solutions. I didn't see a box that said, "Please call me at home and try to sell me extra things," because I would have unclicked that, too.

Then the guy goes, "Well, can I interest you in some other domains at all, like--"

I cut him off, said, "I have everything I need to purchase from you guys. Please don't call me at home again. Bye-bye," and I hung up on him.

WHAT THE HUH?

Let's say I had ordered a pair of shoes from Amazon, and a sales rep called me at home and said, "Hey, Kevin, I'm calling about your pair of shoes. I noticed you didn't buy socks. Is there a reason for that? And would you like 5 more pairs of shoes to go with it?" That would be ridiculous, right? This was the same thing.

I have done a ton of business with the Internet over the years, from iTunes to Amazon to the truly sleaziest porn sites you can imagine, and none of them have had the audacity to call me at home in the morning to make a clumsy sales pitch.

Outrageous.

DON'T CALL ME AT HOME, INTERNET.

That Great Social Networking Feeling

You've felt it: when somebody you follow or subscribe to annoys you, a little bit more every day, then finally does something to make you realize that you very much don't want to be associated with them any more, and you have this epiphany: you're not really friends. Not in real life. There will be no adverse repercussions to just defriending, unfollowing, or unsubscribing from that person. So you do it, and your online world just keeps on spinning, because nobody you only know via your social network is significant enough to have to wade through a bunch of bullshit you don't want to see or read. It doesn't matter how good-looking they are, how many other people like them, or how cool they seemed originally. You can just scrape 'em off and keep doing what you do.

Social networking beats real life again.