A Terrible Realization

My challenge to myself to avoid the big-time profanities for month and a half are going to make it really difficult for to to get further attention on the Internet, right when I'm actually trying to get further attention on the Internet.

Which kinda sucks, you know? Tumblr, especially (which is not where I prefer to be but where all the interaction really is), really rewards people for being obscene. Half the pages over there seem to include the phrase "f--- yeah" in their titles, and another 40% are porn blogs.

Is there room on the Internet for a funny guy who's just challenging himself to be funny without cursing so much? I wonder.

Hm.

I never said I wouldn't flash my penis, though. I always have that option.

Blog Roll-Call

I have a few side-projects, a couple of which have started updating again after a long fallow period. Here they all are, along with the updating frequency that you can expect:

  • The Metrics -- My main alternative blog, where I post silly things such as Top Fives, lists, how-tos, flowcharts and descriptive images. Oh, also reviews. If you want the full Kevin experience, you should follow this blog as well. Updated regularly.
  • Danzkids -- A Tumblr dedicated to images of kids from 70's and 80's films overlayed with lyrics from Glenn Danzig tunes. Not as creepy as it sounds, or maybe it is. I don't know, it's just funny to me. Updated regularly.
  • Harrison Ford Points at Stuff -- A new project on Tumblr, this one collects images of Harrison Ford pointing in his movies and explains what he's pointing at. This is the dumbest Tumblr ever. Updated regularly until I run out of pictures of Ford pointing at stuff.
  • Gripping Tales of Men -- My fiction Tumblr, containing short genre fiction from me and other contributors. It may move to Posterous one day. Updates sporadically as new stuff is created/is submitted.
  • James Bond's Dog -- The Tumblr of the loneliest dog in the world. Recently posting again after a long silence. Updates sporadically.
  • The Adventures of Stakeout Detective -- The journal of a seedy private eye. Will likely never update again, but you never can tell, so you might as well follow it just in case.

Happy reading.

My Apologies

I really don't intend for every post I make here on Posterous to be about the flaws and failures of Tumblr, but JESUS, the fucking drama! Everybody's all in some panty-twist over there about something right now, and just visiting my dashboard to check in with old friends is such a fucking chore. I think the only way I can even stand to visit over there is if I go through the people I read with a large scythe and just gut my dash.

I'm sure I'll eventually get there with this place, too, if I can find enough people worth reading.

Posterous, promise me you'll never become like high school. I already did that. I don't need to do it again at the place I go to to read creative people and be (hopefully) funny.

 

Meme Roster for Posterous

One of the things I'll miss just so, so terribly about Tumblr is that every day over there has some stupid theme associated with it that there is tremendou peer pressure to participate in. Sexy Sex Thursdays, or Truthful Tuesdays, or random, "Hey, everybody, show your butts to strangers" days that people declare whenever they feel like it.

Boy! That sure is fun. Sure gonna miss that aspect of my Tumblr dashboard, yep.

In an attempt to make Posterous just as friggin' fun as Tumblr, here are some ideas for some theme days.

SUNDAY: Scumday! Tell us about the scummiest things you've ever done! Did you steal your grandma's Social Security checks to buy meth? Did you pleasure yourself while watching nubile middle schoolers undressing in a window across the street? Haha, go ahead and tell the Internet about it. It's all in good fun!

MONDAY: Morbid Monday! Contemplate the empty eternity that is death. How does it make you feel to know that you will not live forever? Post about this. FUN!

TUESDAY: Tossin' Tuesday! Just go right ahead and masturbate in front of the whole Internet. It's what you're metaphorically doing with all of these memes and theme days anyway, so you might as well stop pretending.

WEDNESDAY: Willem DaWednesday! Pics, images, gifs, and Penthouse Forum letters about Willem Dafoe!. In my estimation, he doesn't get enough Internet love, what with Johnny Depp and Christopher Walken stealing it all. This is a completely legitimate and not at all idiotic thing to do on Wednesday.

THURSDAY: Thufferin' Thuccotash Thursday! Post a vid or audio post of you...lisping! Haha! This will never stop being hilarious, even after you've done it twenty times!

FRIDAY: Furious Friday! Who pisses you off on the Internet? Call them out and tell them exactly how much they infuriate you. Yeah, burn some fucking bridges! Internet drama happens all the time; it might as well have its own day.

SATURDAY: Insatiable Saturday! Apparently, people on social networks are really horny and nobody's getting enough sex. Why not whine about it in a long, needy post? That'll be fun, right? No better people to air your sexual frustrations to than virtual strangers that live in the magic box on your desk, after all.

Whew!

There you go, Posterous. I thought long and hard about these (seriously, at least, like, ten seconds of thought went into every one), and I think everybody will agree that they will improve the Posterous experience considerably. They might even convince some Tumblr people to flee that sinking ship and come someplace where everything works.

Is EVERYBODY on Tumblr a Pervert...

...or just the people I've picked to follow? I'm not one to judge, after all: I love naked girls and enjoy watching them doing many, many private and explicit things.

But I have other interests, too, and to be honest, I'm getting a little sick of the peek-a-boo photo memes and the sharing of sexual secrets and the whole "drunk college girls at the bar" atmosphere.

I like to flirt, and I like being flirted with; I like being dirty and I like dirty girls. But...just...fucking enough already. I get it: you all want to fuck each other. Please just do it and get it over with or find another way to interact with each other in public.

You're all boring the shit out of me.

(P.S. The ask box is still open for smut. That's where it belongs, after all.)

Bitch, Bitch, Bitch

Everybody on Tumblr is bitching about Tumblr. Again. It's freaking out. Again. Nothing works right. Again.

I've shown them a very similar website in which everything works most of the time. I've shown them how you can easily set things up to post to your Tumblr, so that your Tumblr friends won't miss any of your posts. I've shown them how commenting works better on Posterous. Posterous, basically, is an infinitely superior version of Tumblr, just without the comfy Tumblr cutesiness that I guess they need, because they just keep bitching about Tumblr while making no effort to improve their blogging experience in any way.

I keep hearing about how the "community" and the "people" are why people stay there. Well, guess what: if you all come to Posterous, where they have their shit together, then the "people" and "community" will all be here.

Just sayin'.

You can either make a change and come somewhere where bitching about the crappy service isn't an accepted part of the experience, or you can keep wallowing in shit and complaining about it.

I approve this message.